I'd Give My Bones
by theswisswereright
Summary: Roxas Ward is a teenage boy dying of leukemia. Axel Sinclair is a night janitor who stumbles upon Roxas completely by accident. Roxas will touch Axel's life more than either of them ever predicted. Shonen-ai, serious theme, language.
1. Nothing Lasts Forever

**This is my first Kingdom Hearts story, I hope you all enjoy it. I am debating on whether or not to write this story fully, so please review and let me know if you want to see the story progress. Thanks!**

* * *

"Ms. Casey, your son's body is shutting down. His white cell counts are far too low, and we found cancer in his bone marrow. I suggest you help him do the things he wants to do. I can get you the release papers now."

"Doctor, he isn't my son. I'm his social worker. He's a ward of the state; I'm not authorized to take him anywhere but back to the home. Wouldn't it be best to let him stay here at Mother of Mercy?"

They always think I can't hear them. When they talk about test results, or the fact that I'm going to die. But I have a secret…I hear every word.

* * *

Hi, my name is Roxas Ward, and I'm dying.

What I've got is called acute lymphoblastic leukemia. It's cancer, in dummy terms. My lymph nodes got KO'd, and then the rest of me started messing up. Now, I don't respond to treatments. In other words, the chemo isn't any good anymore.

I'm fourteen, fifteen on April 16th. April is one hundred and seventy-two days away. From the sound of the medical chatter they think I don't hear, I'm probably not going to make it until then.

I never think much about the fact that I'm dying, or I try not to. I've been doing it my whole life, practically. I remember coming to this same hospital for treatments. I remember they gave me a blue sucker whenever they put in the needle. Dumb, five-year-old Roxas always forgot about the needle in favor of the candy. They still give me the sucker, but now I think it's out of pity.

I've been getting ready to die almost my whole life. I honestly don't know anything else. Sometimes I wonder about what I'm missing, but it hurts too much to think about, so I try really hard not to remember that not everyone lives like this. I try to see dying as the main event, the thing all this hospital hell is getting me ready for.

I'm kind of a downer, huh? Well, you're the one who came into my head to hear my story. Stick around, it gets…well, I don't know yet. You're here now. Might as well listen.

* * *

"I can HEAR you, Ms. Casey." I use a singsong tone, just to freak her out.

There's a gasp loud enough to carry to my bed behind this curtain. I hate the curtain, but I can never move it. My arm's always stuck to an IV.

"Roxas, you should be resting! You don't need to hear this."

"Ms. Casey, I know what's happening. You can talk about it in front of me. C'mon, Doc, how long have I got?"

The curtain is pushed aside (yes!) and a stern, blonde doctor's face greets me. He's not my usual doctor. He looks angry. I wonder if it's my fault, but I don't much care. You quit worrying about that when there are no consequences.

"Young man, talking about your condition like that won't help you in any way."

"Nothing else will, either."

"Do you want to know the facts…" He looks at his clipboard. I can't be angry that he doesn't know my name. He's new. "Roque-sass?"

"It's Roxas. Yeah, sock it to me."

"Your condition is steadily worsening, Roxas. You'll probably start sleeping more, blacking out, losing interest in food and daily activities. You'll want to spend most of your time in bed, and that's really what you're here for."

"So what's my expiration date?" Ms. Casey gasped again, as if hearing me speak so offhandedly about my own death surprised her.

"Ballpark, meaning it could be more or less than this by any margin, I'd give it six months." Huh, I might make fifteen after all.

There was a momentary silence.

"Roxas, you need to make a few decisions." This was Ms. Casey speaking, all matter-of-fact, as if she saw this every day. She probably did.

"I don't want to go back to the home if I'll just be in and out of here. I'll stay here, I guess."

"That was one of the questions I was going to ask you. Now, your schooling; do you want to keep trying to do the work and finish eighth grade, or-"

"I don't see what use a dead boy has for a diploma." The venom in my voice surprised even me, as if I didn't know the extent of my own bitterness until the moment I opened my mouth.

My words stunned both the doctor and Ms. Casey into open-mouthed quiet. "That's…that's fine, Roxas. Are there any things you want from the home, things you want to have here?"

"My books, please."

"Ahem." A small cough from the doctor drew my attention. "Perhaps I should give you a moment to discuss these matters."

"Of course, Doctor." Ms. Casey dismissed him further with a hand wave. "I'm sure you have other patients to attend to."

He left with a swish of the curtain and a reminder to press the call button on the remote if I needed anything.

"Now, Roxas. You said your books, is there anything else you want?"

"My clothes, I guess, in case they let me outside."

"Okay, I can bring them later today. Would you like to return to the home and tell the other boys goodbye?"

"Nah, they know. Just…just tell Sora not to wimp out on me, huh? Tell him I want to hear about how he kicked the crud out of Marluxia the next time he tries to molest him." A sudden rush of sorrow filled me, even at the thought of not seeing Sora give the resident pervert a good punch.

"They'll all forget me, anyhow." I tried to return to detachment. I had people I knew, but I wasn't important to them.

"Roxas, please don't talk that way. You have many friends who will miss you."

"…Thanks, Ms. Casey." Sometimes, when a grown-up is wrong, it's easier to pretend you believe them.

"Well, I should go and get your things now. I'll be back in a few hours."

"Okay. Thank you."

___

That blond doctor came to see me every so often, to ask me about my pain and draw blood for tests. He tried to make conversation, telling me about the strange occurrences around the hospital, but it was always stiff and forced.

I did like one story he told me, though, one about a secretary and a lab technician who had left a patient under the X-ray while they had sex in the control room. Of course, Dr. Even didn't tell me that exactly, he used terms like "getting intimate," but I couldn't blame him.

Anyway, the secretary had been up against the X-ray machine, and the motions that were going on flipped the switch on and off. The guy under the X-ray got his brain fried.

"Some people just can't wait until their coffee break, huh?" I said, when the doctor told me this.

He looked at me funny for a second. "Yes, they're like hormonal teenagers…"

I thought that was weird, people assuming teenagers are hormonal. I didn't think I was.

Then again, I found it difficult to believe I was dying. I felt fine.

* * *

The sun was nice like this, all neon orange and red. I liked sunsets, and the residential room I'd been assigned had a good view.

I could already see the big problem with living at a hospital: I was bored almost constantly. The TV was fuzzy and had only local channels, and hearing news of how many people had died on a certain day didn't interest me.

My books rested on the small nightstand next to me, but I didn't have many, and I'd read them all.

Most of the time, I stared at the ceiling and made stories about the dots on the textured tile. One was named Jim, and his wife was Griselda, and they had two children, Sam and Annie. The far right corner tile was school, and-

I was cracking up, and I'd been here a week. One week, and I had turned into a raving loony who knew his ceiling dots by name. No one would care, of course. People tended to lose all judgments about my sanity when they found out that I was on thirty different kinds of meds. They were almost all pills, but I had to sit with an IV in my arm for an hour every day.

It didn't matter. I had nothing to do outside the bed anyway.

* * *

I slept a lot during the day, which meant that I was up all night. This was worse than the boring days, because then, I at least knew something, somewhere, was happening. At night, I knew nothing was moving, anywhere.

Or so I thought, until I was given the surprise of my life.

One night, a few days after the naming of the ceiling dots, a man walked into my room. It was around midnight, and casual as you please, he strolled in with a yellow cart. It was filled with mops, brooms, cleaning spray, and a few things I couldn't even name.

The man was extremely tall, dressed in plain work jeans and a black button-up shirt with a name patch on the left breast. I couldn't quite read it from here… He was thin, bony, with hair like nothing I'd ever seen. It was bright red, like burn-my-eyes red, and stood up at an angle that indicated the use of at least three bottles of hair gel. Someone liked shocking people.

His face was expressive, green, green eyes darting around the room from time to time and a narrow nose that appeared to have been broken. His mouth was moving, though no noise came out, and he walked with a bounce in his step. There was a pair of black headphones lost somewhere in his hair, and he was dancing along to the music.

"Hey. Uh, dude? What are you doing in my room?"

There was no reply as the man picked up my trash can and tossed the few tissues inside into a large black bag attached to his cart.

"Hello? Anyone home?"

No answer. I guess he couldn't hear me at all.

"HEY!" I didn't want to wake up anyone else, so I resorted to plan B. I wadded up a hospital-brand Kleenex and aimed for that vivid head.

**CRASH!** The man ripped his headphones from his ears and stumbled backwards into his cart. This, of course, made the entire thing topple over. There was water everywhere, bottles rolling all over the place, brooms loose and looking like they had a mind of their own.

"SHIT! What the hell is a kid doing in here?" He wasn't talking to me, but I had no idea who he was talking to. The headphones played on from their position on the floor next to the man. _"-two lost souls swimming in a fishbowl, year af-_"

"Kid. What's goin' on here? This room is supposed to be empty. Says so on the chart that I'm cleaning this place tonight."

"Well, it's not empty. I've been here for a week and a half."

The redhead consulted a clipboard that had found its way under his legs. "Says room 412 right here."

"Let me see that, it's wrong." I looked at the list attached to the board, and saw no 412 anywhere. "Where? I don't see it."

"Here!" The janitor stalked toward me and jabbed a finger at the list. "Four-one-two."

"That says 421. Four-two-one."

"Fuck."

"Dude, it's okay. I'm not going to say anything. I'll even help you pick this up. If you don't mind me wearing a paper dress."

He raised an eyebrow, and then laughed at me. He couldn't be very old, maybe twenty-five, tops. "Deal, kid. The name's Axel, don't forget it."

"Your shirt says 'Horatio'."

"Yeah, he's never here, so I stole his shirt when I spilled coffee on mine." What do you say to that? It was so random I had no reaction, and I must have looked pretty dumb thinking of one.

"Dr. Even says the coffee around here is dangerous enough to eat through the pot."

"He's right, I think it burned a hole in my shirt." It was my turn to raise an eyebrow and laugh.

"Better that than your pants."

This was met with Axel (was that his name?) throwing back his head and laughing heartily. His laugh reminded me of Sora's, kind of jumpy and shaky. "You're all right, kid. What's your name?"

"Roxas Ward."

"Well, I'm the night janitor, what are you in for?"

"Cancer. I'm gonna die."

"Huh." Axel was quiet for a moment. "Guess it beats not knowing."

"Yeah." I had a feeling he regretted asking. "Hey, let's clean this junk up before security comes in here and tears you a new one."

"Aw, Lexaeus? He's harmless, as long as you bring him brownies."

"Good strategy." I lifted myself from the bed and asked, "What can I do?"

"Uh…you can get me a mop, and pick up the bottles, I guess." He rubbed the back of his head, causing the whole nest of spikes to rustle. "Sheesh, what a mess." Axel set to work righting the cart and mopping up the spilled water.

The whole fiasco took less than ten minutes to get cleaned up. Afterward, Axel pushed the yellow cart outside the room and came back over to my bed. He held out a gloved hand. "Good meeting you, Roxas Ward. Maybe I'll come back and hang out when my rounds are over."

"I wouldn't mind. I stay up all night, and I'm bored out of my skull."

"See you in a few hours, then." And with a genial wave, the whirlwind that was Axel was gone, whistling along to his music player. I had to ask him about that.

* * *

Now, I know what you're thinking. "Roxas, you shouldn't talk to strange men who clean hospitals at night. He'll molest you! Don't even consider inviting him to your room!"

But you're forgetting the only good thing about being like me. There are no consequences to anything when your life is ending. I have a kind of freedom most people will never know, and I pray that they don't ever have to. I have the freedom of an easy exit.

And Axel may have been slightly insane, but he was a lot more interesting than anyone else I'd met at Mother of Mercy.

I had a feeling he'd like the story about the secretary and the X-ray.

* * *

What do you think? If this is well-received, I'll write it as a full multi-chapter story. Hell, if one person is interested in this, I'll write the whole thing.

This will be a shonen-ai/yaoi, but not in the usual way people think about it. It's rated M for language, safety, and dark content, but future scenes may further cause this rating. I promise nothing… :) (wink, wink)

This will get sad, and the likelihood of a happy ending is…not good. But it will be one crazy ride.

Reviews keep me warm at night, and it's really cold in here.

Love, Swiss

"**CHALLENGE"**

**Okay, the whole idea for this comes from a song about a dying girl and the effect she had on the singer. If anyone can tell me the name of the song and the artist, I'll write you a request, anything you want within reason. There's a glaring reference to the song in this chapter, so if you know, review and put it in there.**


	2. The Way You Stand Up Through Your Tears

**Here's chapter two. I got a few nice reviews, thank you all, and many favorites/alerts. I decided to continue, as the numerous emails I got informing me of this were very encouraging. I love seeing that people notice me :)**

**I was surprised that no one tried to guess the song, but that's okay. The challenge stands, anyway, whenever someone figures it out.**

**Past that, this is chapter two. I really wanted to go past this one night in the chapter, but that's not the way the story wanted it to be…**

**Enjoy it.**

* * *

So, a few hours later, around four a.m., Axel pokes his head back into my room and whispers, "Kid? You still up?"

I wanted to say, _If I wasn't, your hair would wake me_, but I held it in. I have mean tendencies sometimes.

"Yeah, I'm awake. Not really 'up', though, still lying here."

"Man, you wouldn't believe some of the stuff I found in that room down the hall."

Huh. See, most people don't do that when they talk to me. They ask how I am, and how I'm feeling, and then they ask if I'm feeling all right. It was nice to just have a conversation with someone.

"Yeah, I don't want to know."

"Let's just say I didn't think hospitals sold porn magazines from the snack machine. Speaking of snack, you want a chip? I got hungry on the way over here." Axel held out a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos, already open.

Odd. Another thing most people don't do with me, or didn't do, is share their food, much less let me touch it. I guess they're scared they'll catch my cancer. "You sure you want me to touch that?"

"Why wouldn't I?"

"…never mind. So, porn?" I reached out and took a chip. Aahhh…calories.

"Yeah, this guy who was in there was recovering from one'a those fat-people surgeries, you know, the one where they take off your stomach-"

"Gastric bypass."

"Yeah, that. Anyway, he was like five hundred pounds, so I guess he wasn't gettin' any, and he had his mom or someone bring him those. Can you imagine, a guy sendin' his friends out for porn?"

"Well, he had some good friends, I guess."

"A friend who'll bring you jack-off material is a friend for life?"

"Or until you start needing Viagra."

"Heh…So, I don't think I properly introduced myself. Axel Sinclair, commit it to memory."

"I'm unlikely to forget, I have nothing else to do."

"Seems like it'd be boring here. You catch any good channels?"

"Not unless you like the Sunday morning church show. Can I have another chip?"

"Eeecchhh." Axel made a face and stuck out his tongue, while holding out the Doritos bag. "They say the same thing every time. I can only take so much repetition."

"Me too!" I sat up excitedly, and then realized how dumb it must have looked. "Sorry, spaz attack."

"S'okay, I had the world's biggest one in here earlier."

"Yeah, that's true. Tough to beat that."

"You remind me of a friend of mine. His name's Demyx, he works here during the day?"

"Never heard the name…"

"Blond like you, skinny, stupid hairstyle, closer to your age…No?" I shook my head. "I'll have to tell him to come meet you. How old are you, anyways?"

"Fourteen. Fifteen in April. How old are you?"

"Twenty-two."

"And you're already working?"

"Nah, not full-time. I'm in school to be a _mumble_." He spoke the last word quietly, almost like he didn't want me to hear.

"A what?"

"A…nurse." Axel appeared to brace himself for laughter.

"Cool. But you'll have to work on the spaz problem."

"You don't think that's gay, or somethin'?"

"No. People need nurses. And they're a lot nicer than the doctors around here."

"Good to know, cause I wouldn't want to have to get mean for my job." Here he cracked a huge smile, eyes glittering as if he knew something I didn't. Everyone seemed to know something I didn't, really.

"I couldn't see you screaming at patients to shut it and take the meds."

"What, that happen to you?"

"A couple years ago. I wanted to know what was going on, so I told the doc I'd take them when he told me. He didn't tell me. He just turned purple."

"Damn, I would've loved to see a purple doctor. What was his name? Was it here?"

"Yeah, his name was Dr. Clark. He was actually a really nice guy, kind of like a grandpa, but I guess he was having an off day." Truth be told, Dr. Clark was the only nice doctor I'd had, as opposed to the doctors who were just professional.

"Never met him. Maybe he was before my time."

"Probably."

There was a deafening silence after this last pronouncement, as if something was hanging in the air, needing to be said. "What? I can tell you want to say something."

"No, I don't want to-" He seemed to be backpedaling from a question he had never even asked.

"It's okay. I get people talking about it every day, and they pretend like I'm not there. Yeah, I'm going to die."

* * *

"I didn't want to make you talk about it." Axel scuffed a foot on the floor, looking guilty.

"I don't mind. It's a fact of life, or at least a fact of my life. I was coming here for chemo when I was five."

"Five? That long?"

"I've been lucky. That's what the doctors tell me. Lucky to be able to put it off."

"So you've been in and out of the hospital your whole life?"

"Pretty much."

"But what do you…y'know…do? Before you came here, did you do stuff besides sit in a room in bed?"

"Not really. Being sick means no sports, missing a lot of school, having people think you're contagious. They didn't let us out of the home much, anyway."

"The home?"

"Hi, I'm Roxas Ward and I'm an orphan."

"Oh, that kind of home. I lived in one 'til I was ten. Then I got adopted."

"No one wanted to, for me. It's expensive, and then I'd just croak on them."

"People suck sometimes, that way." Axel rubbed the back of his head again. I got a feeling that that was a habit of his. "But hey, you'd never have met me, so there's a silver lining!"

"You're the silver lining? Can I return it?"

"Aw, don't be mean. It's funny, but I might think you want me to take my snacks and go." The bag of chips was mostly empty, down to the little pieces that got stuck in your teeth but no one could refuse eating.

"No, not the snacks! Yes, silver lining! Whatever you want, just don't take the chips!"

"That long since you've had a chip?"

"Years. Special diet, and now hospital food."

"Gross! Man, your life sucks!" Did it? I didn't know much else. This would require more thought, later. Does my life suck? I rolled it around in my head. Meanwhile, Axel spoke again. "I'm sorry, kid, I shouldn't have said that."

"No, it's okay. I'm just wondering if my life does actually suck."

"Well, let's go down the checklist."

"There's a checklist?"

"I made it up just now." Axel puffed out his chest and looked proud. "One: do you have music?"

"Have?"

"Like, a readily available source of what you want to listen to."

"No."

"Not even a CD player?"

"No."

"Damn, that's like fifty percent suckage already." He shook his head in disapproval.

"You have that little black thing, though." I was secretly intrigued by it, and wondered what it could do.

"It's an iPod. Here, you can mess with it." He tossed the thing at me and waited for me to do something. I had no idea how to work it, and poked at it a couple times before I gave up and held it out to him.

"You do it."

"Aw, is Roxas pouting?"

"No. That…_thing_ is impossible." At that moment, Axel pressed a button at the top of the iPod and the screen came to life. He flicked a finger over the screen, and then a smaller screen appeared. "I'm going to give it back, but don't hurt yourself. Touch the Music button."

I did, and a really long list came up. "That's the artist list. Who do you like?"

"Ummm… I don't listen to much music. I think I know a song by the Backstreet Boys?"

"Oh, God. This is bad. Here, let me show you." He unplugged the headphones and pressed on the screen a few more times.

All of a sudden, strong piano chords began to fill the room.

_Dum. Dum. Dum, dum-dum._

A guitar added itself into the song.

_Chk, chk-a chk chk chk._

Then a voice joined the instruments, harsh, a man with something to say.

"_I broke free on a Saturday morning, I put the pedal to the floor._

_Headed north on Mills Avenue, and listened to the engine roar."_

The instruments returned, playing the same melody. I was amazed at how the singer seemed fearless when speaking of good things ahead, of his car's engine crashing and kicking under the hood, of drinking and playing arcade games.

Then a particularly strong section of the song shocked me.

"_I am going to make it through this year if it kills me_._"_

This was a song about surviving, about facing fear, and about letting go.

"_There will be feasting and dancing in Jerusalem next year."_

* * *

After the song was over, there was silence. My ears rang with the melody I had just heard, and I was dazed. "Axel…what _was _that?"

"That, Roxas, was music."

I felt on the edge of tears. I didn't know that a song could make you feel so much in such a short time. For a minute or two, I was the person driving away from home, like in the song. "It's beautiful."

"Yeah, that's how it is all the time, for me. Probably not the best song to play for you, but it's a good one to start on."

"What about the one that was playing earlier?"

"That was Pink Floyd. Way older than you or me, but brilliant."

"The song's name is Pink Floyd?"

"No, that's the band. The song is called 'Wish You Were Here'."

"And there's more music? Like that? How much?"

"Kid, music is everywhere. It's not all that way, you have rock, rap, electric, there's so many kinds it's insane. How do you not know this?"

"No one ever showed me. Axel, you have to tell me everything. Play me more songs."

"I hate to burst your bubble, but it's six in the morning. I gotta go, or I'll be sleeping in class tomorrow. Well, today really."

"Okay. I'll abandon all hopes of musical education for your beauty sleep."

"I figured you out, Rox. You get snippy when someone says no. Look, I'll be back tomorrow. I'll come back every night I'm working until…until you get out of here, and play you more songs. I'm not bringing you porn, though. I'm not that good a friend."

"Six months, Axel. That's what they say, anyway."

"Six…? Oh, yeah. Well, that's time for a basic introduction. I'll bring you chips, too."

"Deal. Get out."

"You're breaking my heart, _Roxy_."

"Never. Call. Me. THAT."

"Okay, okay! Jeez, chill! I'll be back tomorrow, huh?"

"You better." Axel got up and left without a goodbye, giving me only another wave. He was taller than I though, as the top of his spikes brushed the door frame. Said door was shut quietly behind him.

I knew that song would be playing in my head until I got new songs to take its place.

"_I am going to make it through this year if it kills me…"_

I exhaled a deep breath and rolled onto my side, relaxing so that I could sleep.

* * *

That kid, Roxas. He wasn't like other teenagers, running around on their skateboards and vandalizing people's cars. He didn't know anything about anything except drugs and doctors and needles. Needles, ugh. I get shivers thinking about them.

He didn't know music, for god's sake!

I resolved to burn the poor kid a CD before I went in to work tomorrow night. Maybe buy him a CD player, too. I could spare a buck or two.

God, I couldn't stop thinking about his eyes, how steady they were when he told me he had six months to live. How they filled with tears at hearing a simple song.

I let out a small sigh and then took out my battered cell phone, and old Razr, to call Demyx. He'd be up by now, and he wouldn't get mad even if he were sleeping.

_Ring. Ring._

_Ri-_ "Axey!"

"Don't call me that. I'm coming home."

"But…why?"

"Because my shift is over, stupid."

"No, why can't I call you-"

"I love you too, Demykins." With that, I hung up the phone and tossed it onto the passenger seat. No one, not even my boyfriend, called me "Axey." It sounded like a nickname for a serial murderer in prison.

Yes, person invading my brain-space, Dem's my boyfriend. Yes, that means I'm gay. What's it to ya?

* * *

_It's times like this you gotta ask yourself one question._

_Do I feel lucky?_

_Well?_

_Do ya, punk?_

* * *

**That's chapter two for you.**

**Don't worry, there will be more fun, drama, plot twists available for your reading pleasure soon. Don't hate me too much for what I'm doing to Roxas… (hides)**

**I appreciate all reviews, alerts, and favorites.**

**Reviews keep me fed so I can write more.**

**Love, Swiss**

**CHALLENGE 2**

**In addition to the previous chapter's challenge, here's a new one. The prize is…You get to help me make an important plot decision later on.**

**What is the song Axel plays for Roxas?**


	3. Hold On to Days Gone By

**So, Internet back up, pretty fast actually, and here is chapter three. Not much need be said. Warning: RadioShack hate. Damn Shackies.**

* * *

"I'm going to put in the IV now. It'll only hurt for a second."

That was a blatant lie, but the nurse wasn't at fault for telling it. They'd drilled it into her every day of med school, told her to lie until she was blue in the face if it kept the patient from getting 'upset'. I couldn't understand why sick people weren't allowed to be upset, especially people like me, but I kept that to myself.

This nurse was pretty, early thirties probably, with brown hair in a braid. She wore pink scrubs, a change from the usual green, and a ribbon to match. Her nametag read 'Aerith'.

"Ow." There went the IV. I was used to feeling it, but the pain always caught me off guard in the first instant.

"I'm sorry. They tell us to say it won't hurt, but that's usually not true. I'm sure you know that."

"Yeah, I figured that out when I was about seven."

"Sadly, honesty is in short supply in this profession." Her eyes sparkled, as if someone had told a joke. "Is there anything I can get you?"

I knew she wasn't asking 'anything', really. She meant more meds, water, a coloring book, maybe a pen. I knew that, but I said what was on my mind anyway. "Yes, actually."

She seemed to balk at this. Most of the dying ones were more docile, I guess, just taking what they were given and being grateful. As soon as it came, the uncertainty left her. "What is it that you want?"

"I'd like a can of Coke." I knew this was a little far-fetched, being that I was on some kind of life-prolonging diet, but it had been years since I'd had a soda. I vaguely remembered a crack as the can top popped, and then a sweet rush of carbonation to the back of my throat as my eyes watered. I knew I wouldn't get it, most likely, but I had to ask.

"A soda? I don't know if I can get you that, but I'll try." This nurse's eyes seemed to convey that she knew I didn't have infinite time, and a few more days meant nothing.

"Thank you, ma'am." Polite, so she wouldn't change her mind.

"Call me Aerith. You can ask for me if you ever want anything, and I'll see what I can do. God knows you've been given enough trouble to deserve a drink."

"Well, thank you again…Aerith." The name was clunky and awkward in my mouth.

* * *

She did as she promised and returned about twenty minutes later with my drink. I had a little trouble popping the tab, and I wondered how long I had been weak this way.

The rush of the carbonation into my mouth and sinuses halted all inquiries of this sort, scorching its way through my nerve pathways and tracing electric up my spine. _Aahhh._

This was as close as I'd ever been to true happiness.

And for the first time, I had something to look forward to: Axel was coming again tonight, with more music and (if I was lucky) more chips. If I was lucky? When did I ever start thinking of myself that way?

After Aerith, the best nurse ever, left, I sat alone with my Coke and decided that maybe it was about time to start feeling lucky.

Really lucky, because I was still here, when millions, billions of people across the world were dead.

Even if my time was severely limited, everyone would go eventually. It was the way of things: we live, we die.

I'd had fourteen years already, and that was a long time when I thought about it in terms of months, weeks, days.

That number was still going up. The clock was still running. And the local sports I'd been watching in the evening taught me that as long as there was time left on the clock, everything a team did counted.

To translate this analogy to you, watching this all from inside my head, I thought that until I was dead, I had chances to do things that mattered.

For the first time since I had checked into Mother of Mercy permanently, I got out of the white cotton pajamas the hospital had given me. The paper dress really wasn't a viable long-term option, and the PJs were free.

I put on a pair of my own jeans and a loose red T-shirt. It felt good to be dressed like everyone walking outside my window, as if I could be any one of them. Healthy, always looking ahead.

Maybe instead of accepting death, I should try to keep living.

This was a revolutionary thought, far from the messages of hopelessness I got from everyone around me. I'd heard them so often that I was convinced they came from me.

No, I was going to do something. I didn't know what yet, but something.

* * *

Axel was driving along the main highway of Twilight Town, speeding to beat the five o'clock traffic. The cracked black leather of the interior was hot, and the radio was buzzing with static as if rebelling against the music it was playing.

This music was a country station from two towns over, playing twangy, fluffy goodness to the masses. Sometimes Axel listened to it on a whim, looking for a change.

Today, he was feeling ironic as he sang along to an old Faith Hill song. Of course, he had to mentally beat himself up a little for knowing all of the words, but it couldn't be helped.

Where was he going? Somewhere he had vowed never to visit…RadioShack.

Axel's ingrained hatred of RadioShack was born when his adoptive mother bought him his first CD player. As soon as he got home and put in a disc, it popped open and spit said disc across the room. When Axel's adoptive mother tried to return it, the Shackies behind the counter blamed it on the customer.

"Mrs. Johnson, you must have done something to it. That kind of malfunction doesn't happen from factory defects."

Even at age eleven, Axel knew the customer was always right, but these people didn't. Mother and son left dejected and less about twenty dollars.

However, due to the horrendous traffic and Axel's wire sieve of a memory, he was speeding through five o'clock traffic to get a CD player.

* * *

Why am I doing this again? I didn't promise the kid anything. This is stupid, really stupid, and if the lines at Wal-Mart weren't so huge, I wouldn't have to do this. Twilight Town needs a motherfucking Best Buy. Yes. A Best Buy would solve all of my problems.

As it was, I was going to RadioShack to get Roxas the CD player. It was on the way to the hospital, so it was convenient. Or it would have been, if I didn't hate myself for even considering visiting it.

I pulled into the driveway after almost getting into a horrible crash with a van. My car could probably take it, but it would be tough to replace parts. I have a Dodge Demon, black, with the biggest spoiler you've ever seen. There's rust, yeah, but I like to think of it as part of the car's charm.

I steeled myself and pulled on the door to RadioHell, bracing against bad things to come.

The door didn't budge.

I pulled again, and the door wouldn't open.

A third pull, and nothing happened.

Oh yeah, except the pimply guy who came to the window and mouthed, "Push."

Great, this trip had been happening three seconds and I'd lost any look of intelligence.

I pushed on the door and was immediately assaulted by the zit-covered salesman. He had an orange-red Jew-fro, and I was mildly horrified by its sheer volume. My hair was big, but I did it on purpose.

The salesman cleared his throat and droned, in a squeaky, pre-pubescent voice, "Welcome to RadioShack! Can you feel the shack attack?"

What. The. Fucking. Hell. That was perhaps the worst thing I'd ever been told, and that was counting many instances of being called a dirty fag.

"Uh, no, actually, I need a CD player. That's it."

"Cool! I'b Steve." He held out a hand, looking like he wanted me to shake it. And I might have, had he not sneezed all over me in the next second. _Ugh._

"I'b…" Sniffle. "Sorry. Let me get you a bapkin." Steve reached out with a spit-flecked hand to attempt to wipe the snot off my shirt. His hand was remarkably close to my crotch. _Double ugh._

I jumped back on some crazy self-preservation instinct. "No, no napkin necessary. Just a CD player. Cheapest one you have."

"Bokay." The snot-clogged voice attached to a creeper led me to the back of the store. "Well, this one's twelve twenny-eight. This one is fifteen bucks but it has, like, stuff. And this one's seventeen eighty-five…"

"Steve?"

"What?"

"I want your cheapest freaking CD player, and I may become unhinged if I do not leave this building. Make it quick, Shackie."

"Okay, I'll just get you the player and ring it up…" He moved at a sluglike speed, like molasses on a level surface. I had had enough fuckin' RadioHell to last me thirty years. This may have been what provoked me to pull out a twenty-dollar bill and toss it at the snot factory of an employee.

"Keep the damn change." I snatched the CD player out of his hands. I'd have to sterilize it later.

"But, sir, you can't just…"

I was done here, sprinting from the building. **WHEEP WHEEP WHEEP.** Ah, the alarm. Well, I paid for the damn thing, and I paid too much. I was pretty sure the cops wouldn't care. Pretty sure.

Why had I just done this stupid fucking thing for a kid I'd barely known? There was something that stung about his being so alone, something that felt like a stab every time he said he was going to die.

Maybe I was just a do-gooder, befriending cancer patients. Next thing ya know, I might be kissing babies.

With this thought, I fired up the engine of my car, Jenny, and put it into gear. "Damn kid better be happy."

* * *

I'd been lying in bed in my day clothes for a few hours, bored, until Aerith came back in with an early dinner. It was odd that dinner in hospitals was around five p.m., but breakfast was ten a.m. The sun hadn't gone down yet, but flares of red were reaching across the sky like intrepid fingers touching the earth.

Aerith hummed a soft song as she placed my tray on the rolling TV tray that fit over the bed. Huh, mystery meat again, great. And the ever-present Jell-O. "Hi, Roxas. How are you?"

"I'm okay…What was that song you were humming?"

"I don't know, really, honey. It's called 'Golden', but I don't know who by."

"That's all right. Hey, do they have a courtyard or something around here?"

"Yes, it's quite nice in this weather, when the flowers bloom. I help take care of them, sometimes. Do you want to go outside?" She smiled slightly, as if anticipating a trip outdoors as a break from rounds.

"I'd like that. Can you show me where?"

"Let me finish giving out dinner to everyone on this floor, and then I'll take you. Try and eat." She motioned to the mess on the foam tray.

"But I don't like Jell-O."

"Eat your meat. It'll make you grow up big and strong. Er." As if realizing that I wouldn't be doing much more growing, she amended her words. "Or at least help keep you energy up."

"Okay." I knew I was pouting, not a mature response, but an appropriate one. "Aerith?"

"Yes?"

"This meat…what IS it?"

"That would be Mr. Donahue, he died yesterday." Her eyes widened as she saw me turn slightly chartreuse. "It's pork! Calm down, I was making a joke."

"That's a _horrible_ joke. Don't tell any old people that one; they'll have a heart attack."

"Sure." Aerith laughed, a sunny sound like bells. "I'll come back in…" She checked her delicate silver watch. "Twenty minutes. Put some shoes on, okay?"

"Yes, ma'am."

"And eat your meat."

"Yes, ma'am."

* * *

The prerequisite twenty minutes and ten seconds later, Aerith returned to take me outside.

"Roxas!"

"Yes?"

"You didn't eat your meat."

"No…I kept thinking I was eating dead old person."

"How can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat?" At this she smirked a bit, as if she had just told a little joke.

"There's PUDDING?"

"No, there's not." She was laughing hard now, like full-force church bells. "Let's go outside. We'll just get you back to bed by seven."

"Okay." I swung my tennis-shoe-clad feet over the side of the bed and began following Aerith down the hall. This was the first time I'd left my room. The hall tiles were green and white, and there were wide wooden doors to my left and right. It was a maze of identical decoration, and I was sure I'd get lost in a second if I was alone. We walked for a while, until we came to a sign on the wall. It showed strips of color next to words like 'cafeteria' and 'elevator'. "Aerith?"

"What?" She stopped and turned around to look at me.

"What's up with the colors?"

"Oh, look down. They put down colored tile to help people get around. See how the yellow one says 'elevator'? We're going there, so if we follow the yellow line, we'll get there with no problems." Oh. That was pretty clever of this place.

The walk continued, into a rickety-seeming elevator whose only other occupant seemed to be intent on staying there forever, rocking back and forth.

When Aerith and I exited the elevator on the ground floor, the rush of air surprised me. I could smell grass, and something a bit like rain. The outer doors were close to the elevators, and soon enough, I found myself in a little space full of green grass and plants. There were stepping stones leading to a group of benches, also made of ornately carved stone.

The sunset was gasping its last breaths as I drew in a breath. "Wow. This is really great, Aerith."

"You like it? I spend all of my breaks here. It's quiet most of the time, because no one ever wants to come outside. Sick people are all intent on being sick and nothing else, it seems. I'm glad you wanted to do something today." She gave a smile, but it was tinged with sadness and preemptive mourning. "You can come here anytime you want, just let someone know where you're going."

"Really?"

"Yes."

"Good. I think I'd come anyway. It feels real out here. Not real like out in the world, but more than in that room."

"That's the way it's meant to be."

* * *

Seven p.m. rolled around, and though the courtyard was beautiful in the moonlight, Aerith had to take me back to the room to meet curfew. I was sad to leave the fresh air, and I would miss the vibrant greens and pinks and purples of all the living things. Things just grew from the ground if you encouraged them enough- it was like a little miracle.

And I still had Axel to wait for, and music to hear. I couldn't wait. I wanted something again. I'd always thought it was wrong for me to want anything, because what was given to me would be taken away. Now I couldn't help it. Wrong or not, I wanted air and light and sound. I wanted real things to surround me and give me a tiny piece of what it was like to be alive.

Darkness had rolled in like a wave, and the red sunset was long gone. I sighed, knowing that I had hours to wait until Axel showed up.

Maybe I could take a bath. I didn't remember the last time they made me do that.

Yes, a bath.

* * *

_La la lalala, la la la, la lalala._

That song again, still in my head as the water ran hot into the green, sterile-looking tub. I didn't know the words, but I liked the tune.

The water was scorching, hot enough to boil a lobster, if I had a lobster. As it was, I was going to boil me, a little bit.

There was some soap in the dish, a new bar with a thin layer of dust. I couldn't find any shampoo, so I scrubbed my hair with the antibacterial white bar. As the dirt and grease went down the drain, I felt like I was clean again. Which I was, but not only my body.

With my hair towel-messy, and still a little damp, I found a clean pair of boxer shorts and a plain white shirt. The bed looked awfully inviting. I was tired, after walking around with Aerith for two hours and accomplishing the daunting task of washing myself.

I liked the smell of soap on my own skin. It was nice to be normal that way, having a nice smell instead of smelling like hospital.

Maybe I could rest for a few minutes, just sleep until Axel got here. He'd wake me when he showed up, probably, and I wouldn't sleep that long anyway. Just ten minutes. A power nap, like they talked about on the army drama that came on at night.

Just ten minutes.

You know, this hospital racket isn't the mess it's made out to be.

I kind of like it better here…

* * *

_Damn, why the hell did I get a job that makes me work until four in the morning?_

I walked down the hall in my own janitor shirt this time, pushing the yellow cart of cleaning junk. Honestly, I never used half of it at all, but the lemon disinfectant smelled nice.

I parked the cart in the huge closet and decided to take a second to have a smoke. I know you're not supposed to in a hospital, blah blah blah, but it was four a.m. and I needed one. Besides, how many patients are going to come in the janitor's closet?

The CD player I'd gone through hell for was in the oversized pockets of my work jeans. The disc I'd burned was right beside it. That kid better damn well appreciate the shit I did to get the player for him. Twenty bucks, but a whole lot of stupid shit that made it seem like thousands. _Fuckin' Shackie with his allergies and his touching._

Maybe it was time I gave the kid his stuff now. I sighed, took one last drag, and held it for as long as I could. Ah, sweet nicotine.

I stubbed out the cigarette in the mop water and watched it float there, like a tree in a lake. A very small, dirty lake.

Whistling softly, I strolled back down the fourth-floor residents' hall and pushed door 412 open silently. The kid was there, all right, asleep on top of his covers, wearing…_Ninja Turtle boxers?_

"Oh, God, he really is fourteen," I chuckled under my breath before I realized he probably didn't buy them himself. _Man, social workers have terrible taste. They bought me Superman Underoos. Under-freakin'-Roos. Maybe there's a reason I'm a flamer._

Poor kid, passed out. He looked cleaner, like they'd given him a bath or something. I didn't wanna wake him, he needed to sleep. At least I thought so. Do cancer kids need to sleep? … Probably.

I moved toward his nightstand, where a notepad with Mother of Mercy logos on it sat next to a pen.

I wouldn't wake him up.

I'd be back tomorrow, anyway.

* * *

I woke up the next morning, still on top of the covers, and saw the sun peeking out from behind the blinds. Darn it, I'd missed Axel! Now I would have to wait a whole day for more music!

Apparently not. Huh, there was a note on the paper the hospital gave me. A round black piece of electronics with earphones sat on top of it.

**Kid:**

** I showed up this morning at four and you were crashed out already. I didn't wanna wake you, so I left the CD player and a mix I made you here. Batteries already in it. The song list is under the player. Be grateful. You don't know what I had to go through to get that. I'll tell ya tomorrow morning.**

** See ya,**

** Axel**

Well, maybe today wouldn't be awful after all. I was thinking about going to the courtyard, and I could bring this thing with me and get some more songs.

I smiled as I reached for the drawer that held my clothes. Today would be interesting. Maybe there were some people like Aerith who I could meet.

After all, what did I have to lose?

* * *

**Holy chit, that was a mother of a chapter. Damn. I didn't mean to write that much, but I couldn't find a stopping point!**

**Aw, Axey went to RadioShack for Roxas. How sweet. I actually hate RadioShack almost as much.**

**More people will be introduced, but I don't think I'll be writing in more POVs yet. Does Axel sound too much like Roxas in his thoughts?**

**The first chapter's CHALLENGE still stands. What song is this fic based on?**

**There are clues throughout the story.**

**Enjoy!**

**Reviews make me smile?**


	4. Just This Once, Would You Forgive Me?

**And there's that done! Do enjoy it.**

"_Dear, you looked so lost. You eyes were red, the tears were shed, this world you must have crossed, you said…"_

"You don't know me, you don't even care." I sung under my breath as I sat at the stone table in the courtyard. It was getting a little cold, but I didn't mind. I must have been here for hours, listening to the CD and singing along, watching lizards dart around in the dirt and flowers turn toward the sun.

The song I was listening to now was one of my favorites on the disc so far. The already-tattered song list, full of fold lines, said it was called "Boston." I had listened to it on repeat almost twenty times, and the words were coming easily to me when I wanted to sing them.

There were twenty tracks on Axel's mix, some fast, some slow. Some long, some short. Some I liked, some I didn't quite, some I loved.

I pressed the repeat button twice, turning off the function and allowing the next song to play. It was a faster tune, with a high female voice draped over strong guitar chords. _"Come on home, girl, he said with a smile. You don't have to love me, let's just get high a while."_

I wondered if real drugs were any different from the stuff they gave me for the pain. I felt funny after being on an IV, but I heard from some guys at the home that real drugs were like magic. Flying, rainbows, visions.

I was past all that now. I added drugs to the List and put it from my mind.

The List was a new invention of mine, a receptacle for all the things I'd never done and was insanely curious about. I'd had this mental list for two hours and it was already getting difficult to remember.

The song changed once again, startling me out of my mental reverie. _"It doesn't hurt me. You want to feel how it feels?"_

This was perhaps my favorite out of all twenty songs. It wasn't the message of switching lives with someone, though that was a great idea. It was the portions of verses that talked about hurting someone and not knowing. _"See how deep the bullet lies? Unaware that I'm tearing you asunder…Tell me, we both matter, don't we?"_

I didn't think I'd ever fully understand this. It sounded like a dark love story, one telling about a relationship where neither person understood the other. Relationships. That was another one to add to the list. Never would I know what it was like to have a girlfriend or a wife, like on the terrible six p.m. sitcoms. I wouldn't be able to kiss her, or buy her Valentine's presents, or have arguments about mother-in-laws. Wait, I didn't want to do that last thing.

"Hey, kid, you supposed to be here?"

A voice jarred me out of my thoughts. It was a male voice, coming from somewhere about a foot in front of my face.

I opened my eyes, amazed that I'd heard anything with the headphones on. "Uh…"

"I'm not gonna say anything if you aren't, dude! It's cool!" The source of the voice was a boy, not much older than me. He had a truly ridiculous hairstyle, though I'd gotten used to that from being around Axel. His hair was dark blonde, a darker color than mine, and longer…at least some of it. The top layer stuck up in small spikes, and the bottom layer hung loose to his shoulders. He wore one of those janitor shirts, though his name patch said "Demyx." Oh, I knew who this guy was. He was Axel's day-janitor friend.

"No, I'm allowed to be here. I'm a patient."

"Are you? What for?"

"Cancer."

"Ooh. Tough gig, man." He winced like something had stung him.

"Yeah, you'd think so, but I don't have to do much. I'm Roxas." I held out a hand for this not-such-a-stranger to shake.

"Roxas? Like, room-412 Roxas?" His face remained friendly, but took on a guarded quality.

"So I take it Axel told you about me."

"Yeah, dude, he went to RadioShack yesterday to get you that little music machine." Demyx gestured at the CD player resting on the table. "He likes you kid, he won't even go there for me, and we live together."

"Why's that?"

"Oh, we're in college together, we share a crappy dorm room. He didn't tell you? The name Demyx ring any bells?"

"Yes, he just said you were his friend, though. What are you in college for?"

This question was apparently a sore spot, as his expression drooped like a wilting daisy.

"Well, I'm in the music school, studying Middle Eastern instruments, but my parents want me to be a dentist. Who wants to be a dentist? Everyone hates you!"

"I wouldn't know, I think I've seen every other kind of doctor than a dentist. I figure if you brush your teeth, nothing horrible will happen."

"Exactly! My dad's a dentist, and he put me in head gear for three years! If I wanted to get some action in high school, I was shut down!" At this, Demyx pushed a palm toward the ground, as if showing how far 'down' his chances were.

"Join the club, when I was still in school, no one wanted to touch Cancer Kid." I felt myself grimace, but wasn't sure if it showed.

"Dude, that blows. I'm suddenly happy to have had head gear." Demyx shifted from foot to foot awkwardly, as if he were uncomfortable.

"…I don't know if I would have been…" I saw the humor in the situation as if I were not involved in it.

"Anyway, I'm here to blow off the leaves." He held up a red and black blower that suddenly appeared in his hand. When the hell had that gotten there?

"What leaves?" The courtyard was free of tree detritus, seeing as the trees weren't losing leaves yet.

"Yeah, I know, but I have to run the blower or the boss looks at me funny."

"Well, don't let me stop you." Demyx reached for the cord to start the engine. Before his fingers reached the string, he looked at me in a strange way, almost like I was a zoo exhibit he didn't quite understand.

"I'll tell Axey I met you, huh?"

"Axey? He lets you call him that?"

"Haven't died yet." He smiled widely and yanked the start cord.

I walked back upstairs, waving at Nurse Ketterley at the desk, and meandered toward my room. Lunch would be soon, and maybe the meat would be recognizable.

I wondered why that Demyx guy looked at me oddly when he mentioned telling Axel about meeting me. Did I have something in my teeth?

This train of thought was interrupted by Dr. Even, whose presence in my room was pretty surprising. Except for my weekly blood tests, I almost never saw him.

He stood up when I entered the room, as if he'd been waiting on me. "Roxas. I'd like to take some bone marrow for a test."

I was mildly confused. Bone marrow was used to determine how far along the line you were, and they'd already done that. I really hated getting lumbar punctures.

"What for?"

"Well, the nurses who see you have noticed a significant increase in activity, and I'd like to check the levels of cancer cells in your body." He explained it matter-of-factly, as if poking a needle in someone's spine was as routine as drinking a glass of milk.

"Fine." I'm not enthused in the least.

"All right, Nurse Gainsborough will be in to perform the procedure in a moment." With this, the good doctor left. Did he always leave the painful work up to the assistants?

Aerith entered, in her sunny pink scrubs, holding a small tray full of metal instruments. Her last name was Gainsborough? "Good morning, Roxas. Would you turn over for me, and take off that shirt?"

The syringe glinted sharply under the sterile fluorescent light. A huge needle, one about to go places nothing ever should. I complied with Aerith's request, if only to give her a little peace of mind about the unpleasant thing she was about to do.

The light caught another glint, this time one on Aerith's hand. A ring? It was shiny silver, with emeralds and diamonds in the shape of a rose. "That's pretty, your ring."

"Yes, it's my engagement ring. My fiancé proposed last night. We'll be getting married in a few months. Maybe you can come."

"I'd like that."

"I'm sorry I have to do this. I'd hold your hand, but I have to hold the needle."

"It's okay, no one ever held my hand all the other times. I'm used to this." In truth, having a lumbar puncture was something you never got used to.

"Roxas, honey, I know this hurts. I've had one, and they're awful. Are you sure? I could call Nurse Lockheart in here, if you want. She's not busy." Aerith's brow furrowed, as if she was genuinely concerned about me. Maybe she was.

I didn't want to sound like a baby, but having something to hold on to might help. "Yeah, okay."

"Good. I'll be right back." It was a new concept that someone wanted to give me a hand to hold. It made me feel warm and tingly, like snuggling up in a warm blanket on a cold day.

An attractive black-haired woman in dark brown scrubs walked into the room. Her eyes were a dark mahogany. Are all the nurses here hot? Okay, no, because some of them are kind of gross. "Hi, Roxas, I'm Tifa Lockheart, the head nurse on this floor."

"Hi." From my facedown position on the hospital bed, I reached a hand up for an awkward wave.

"Aerith, you go ahead and start." Tifa's eyes were kind as she held a manicured hand out to me. "Squeeze my hand when it hurts, okay?"

I nodded into my pillow, cringing when Aerith applied the antiseptic to my lower back. I felt the needle resting against the entry point, and tried to relax.

"Ow…" I heard myself whimper, much to my chagrin. I gripped Tifa's hand tight. She smiled at me and began making small conversation. It took a long time to draw bone marrow, and the pain never stopped.

"So, Roxas, how old are you?"

"Fourteen." This was followed with an agonized twist of my mouth. Damn, that hurt.

"Wow, you're pretty grown-up about all this. I wouldn't be nearly so good about the tests, and the food would drive me nuts." This was distracting, as I had a few food complaints of my own.

"Yeah, I…ow…I don't think I'm getting my protein requirements, because I can't tell what the meat is, so I don't eat it. Aerith told me it was dead patient, and I haven't eaten any since." Tifa giggled softly, while Aerith paused in withdrawing my spinal fluid.

"I was joking!" She resumed the procedure, and I winced.

"It feels like my back is a toaster and the needle is a fork. You're not supposed to stick a fork in the toaster."

Tifa frowned slightly. "I'm sorry. They tell us in school not to get sympathetic, but I always do with the nasty tests like this one."

A few minutes and a little small talk later, Aerith was finished and taking the vial off to the lab, while Tifa bandaged the needle's exit wound and promised to visit again. She called me brave. Brave for facing cancer so well. I was a little proud that she thought highly of me. Some days I didn't think I was so adult about it.

I found I was tired again after my bath, and when I crawled into bed in my boxers, I left a note for Axel on the comforter.

** Axel:**

** Hi. I was a little tired today, but wake me up if you come by. I don't mind, and I have lots of stuff to tell you.**

** Roxas**

"Ax?"

"Yeah."

"I met your friend at the hospital today."

I put the orange juice back in the shared fridge and looked over the fridge door. "Roxas?"

"Yeah."

"He's a cool kid, right?"

"Yeah…Axel, he's great and all, but are you sure you want to be getting close to a dying kid?" My eyes narrowed. It wasn't like Dem to be that way.

"Demyx, I didn't walk into the cancer ward and ask him to give me a hug. I tripped over a cart in the wrong room, and he was in it. Why shouldn't I make friends? He doesn't have any now."

"I know, I just…I don't want him to die and you get depressed again."

"Hey, if that's what God wants, that's what will happen." After an…event last year, I'd become fairly religious. I figured there was a Big Man Upstairs who wanted me here, or I wouldn't be. I tried to go to church when I could, but I prayed every day.

"I guess…Ax?"

"What?"

"Can we…Can you cook tonight?"

"Can we what? What was it you were about to say?" He had that habit, and sometimes I could get the truth out of him.

"Nothing. You'll be late for work. I'll make something."

"Okay…call me if you need something." I kissed his cheek, and felt him flinch. "Bye."

I walked into the kid's room at around three. It was a little early for me to be off work, but there were less rooms on the list today.

I sometimes thought my job was to remove all traces of someone who'd died from a room. My second secret was that sometimes, I left a small possession of theirs in a drawer, under a bed, so they're not entirely gone. Keep that one too, huh?

There was a piece of paper resting at the foot of the bed, covered with small, jagged handwriting. "Axel…tired…wake me…" Okay, the kid wanted me to wake him up. I wondered what it was that he had to tell me. It must be important.

I reached out a hand and shook him gently, surprised by the immediate presence of bone in his shoulder. "Kid. Roxas. Wake up, huh?"

He stirred groggily, as if I were pulling him from an extremely interesting dream. "Nuhhh?" I had to smile at that. Coherent English wasn't anyone's strong suit when they were waking up.

"No, Axel. Not Nuh."

"Axel?" He shot straight up. I thought I almost saw his hair spike up in excitement. "Whoa, you're here! There's so much stuff that's been happening!"

"Since yesterday?"

"Well, yeah!" Roxas nodded vigorously, bed-head nodding along with him.

"Okay, calm down. What happened that's that great?" I figured I'd be here a while if there was that much to be said. There was usually a chair in these rooms…oh, there. I pulled it from its position behind me to one closer to the bed. Sitting down, I leaned forward to better hear the story.

"Well, Aerith showed me this place today with plants, and lizards, and a table. And I took the CD out there, and I really love this song about a hill and I had a lumbar puncture, which wasn't all that great, but there's this other nice nurse and Aerith's getting married, and I met your friend Demyx, and he had a blower and-"

I reached out and gently covered Roxas's mouth. He'd kill himself with a babble rate like that. "Okay, slow down. Who's this Air-something person? You listened to it already? You met Demyx? Wait, I knew that."

"He told you?" I recalled that awkward conversation.

"Yeah, he did. He said you were a great kid." _Who's about to shuffle off the mortal coil._ I kept this thought under my tongue, crystallized to spit out later. "Now who's Aerith, your girlfriend? Wait, she's getting married. What's up with that?"

"She's a nurse, a nice one."

"Well, it's good someone's nice here, huh?"

"Yeah, she showed me this courtyard thing, and I sat out there all day. That's where I met Demyx." He seemed so excited to have seen something new.

"That's great, Rox. What's that about the CD? You heard the whole thing already?"

"Yeah, I went to the grassy place and listened to it and watched a brown lizard. I like the song about God and the hill. Running Up The Hill, or something."

This was a new Roxas. Well, not new, but different, excited like a kindergartener on a trip to the zoo. Were all these things so foreign to him?

"I like that one too, kid." I nodded as if to affirm what I'd just said. "I understand if you don't wanna say, but what's a lumbar whatever?" This might have been a touchy subject, but if he would tell, I wanted to know.

"It's when they…uh…they pretty much stick a needle in your back and get spinal fluid. It hurts, really bad. I had this nice nurse come in to hold my hand while Aerith did it." He smiled. I assumed this other nurse was pretty.

"What's this one's name? She hot?"

"Well, yeah, her name's Tifa. But I think she's married."

"Can't stop you lookin'."

"No, I guess not." He chuckled, a low growly laugh much too mature for his teenage body. "I wonder if I'll ever have a girlfriend or get married, or any of that."

"Maybe. You never know."

"I want to know how to drive, and go to the supermarket for groceries, and go to a petting zoo and hold a rabbit."

"You might wanna make a list of this stuff, in case you get to pick some of them to do." I internally sighed, because it was unlikely Roxas would even live to the age where he was legal to drive, let alone able to marry.

"I have." He seemed happy to have preempted my idea.

"Really? Where?"

"In my head."

"How long is it?"

"Uh…about thirty so far." He looked off to the right, as though the list was stored in the corner of his vision.

"Dang, kid, you're going to break your brain. Write it down. They give you paper for this stuff." I gestured toward the pad and pen Mother of Mercy provided.

"No, I think I'll keep it up here for now." Roxas tapped his temple like a safe box.

"Suit yourself. So…what's your top three?"

"Well…" He looked like he was keeping a secret, like he'd swallowed something bad and couldn't spit it out for politeness' sake. "I want to ride a roller coaster."

"Well, that can be accomplished." I nodded, as if to emphasize the simplicity of getting a dying kid to an amusement park.

"I want to…smoke a cigarette." He turned slightly red, as if wanting to try it was an odd thing for a teenage boy.

"That's a lot easier than a roller coaster, I can get you a cigarette now!" I began to search my pockets, number one on the list momentarily forgotten.

"Wait, you didn't hear the last one!"

"And what is that?" My legs paused momentarily, waiting for the answer.

"Uh…" Roxas looked down at his clasped hands, interlacing his fingers. "I want to…uh…wellI''slike." This said, he flopped back onto his pillow, making a small _whumf_ sound.

I had to hold back a laugh at this. "THAT'S number one? You want to kiss a girl?"

"Yeah…"

"It's not worth thinking about, believe me, girls are way overrated." Shit. I just pretty much came out of the closet to the kid. I better hope he doesn't-

"Axel? You don't like girls?" Roxas looked puzzled, like this was a medical impossibility.

No use lying now, was it? "No. I don't like girls."

"Then you're-"

I held up a hand. "Yeah. I'm gay. Whatever."

"Oh. That's, that's okay!" Roxas waved his hands manically, as if to ward off the demons of awkwardness.

"Yeah. Okay. I'm gonna go and let you process this, then. So. Uh, see ya tomorrow. If you want." I pushed my chair back and left, waving in what I hoped was a casual fashion.

Shit, shit, shit.

**Damn, another evil mother effer of a chapter. This one was planned out, so I just wrote until the plan was done. I wanted less words. Words make my arms hurt.**

**So, no one has figured out the song yet! It's not hard…look at the chapter titles… They will show you the way.**

**What song, other than "Boston" and "Running Up That Hill", was mentioned in this chapter? Tell me, and I'll be very happy.**

**Expect delay on next chapter, I have a life and stuff :)**

**Love, Swiss**


	5. Try to Live Up to the Moment

**Rarrrr. Here is chapter five. I can't promise to post on any scheduled date, as then you'd get bad chapters done in a hurry, and I'd die of overwork, but please be patient and they will come.**

**Review, and try the challenge?**

* * *

Why would he think I'd care at all?

Axel had just left, before I could tell him how little I really cared who he went out with.

I couldn't sleep at all. It was four in the morning, but I didn't even consider closing my eyes.

I stared at the ceiling tiles, blinking like I had dust in my eyes, getting reacquainted with Annie and…well, I had no idea what I'd named the other specks. My life had expanded in the small space of time I'd been at Mother of Mercy, and I hadn't had much time to commune with my speck friends. Apparently, they hadn't noticed and carried on with their lives.

Between sitting in the courtyard, watching bad sitcoms, baths, and sleeping in the afternoon to see Axel at night, I hadn't been in my room at all, except when I was asleep. I wasn't tired now, and there was nothing to do. Maybe I would go to the yard now? I knew I wasn't technically allowed, but if I were back before they came in to bring me breakfast, nothing bad would happen. I'd consider it an adventure. What would they do to me if I were caught? Drag me back here? I was already here. _There were no consequences for someone like me_.

* * *

It was so quiet, this early. Things were just starting to wake up, like the lizards. They were slow, sluggish with sleep, and oozed across the pavement like molasses. Nothing moved other than that. I sat at the stone table, watching the sky go silver, purple, yellow, orange, pink. The sun was coming up, I reasoned dimly. The colors were beautiful, though they were horribly bright. The light almost gave me a headache.

There was more color on the other side of the street, I saw. From where I sat, I could see an empty strip of asphalt, not yet baked by the sun, and the real world across it.

A gas station sat in my line of vision. It wasn't particularly entrancing, but the fluorescent bulbs were shining and people walked in and out. People were awake. I wasn't quite alone at this hour.

Maybe I could go there, just for a second?

See the people, the shelves, the different colored gas hoses? See something?

I'd be back before anyone knew. No one knew I was here anyway. I could cross a street, kids my age did it every day and nothing happened. Maybe not in their boxers, but I would be a pioneer. _Yes. I'll go._

My mind made its decision for me. My feet moved, slow like the morning lizards, one state-issue tennis shoe in front of the other. _Scritch, scritch_, went the soles on the gray concrete. "Shut up," I murmured, not wanting anyone to hear.

Green, not grass green, caught my eye. Resting by my shoe was a small green piece of paper, a folded bill. Ten dollars, just sitting there. It seemed like it was waiting for me. It was like the world didn't want me to make my first trip to the store without buying anything.

I picked up the money and slid it into the side of my shoe, next to the bone on the outside of my foot. I could feel it, a buffer between my sock and the leather, waiting to be given a purpose. I'd give it one.

The store wasn't far, maybe fifty feet. I could make fifty feet, easy. But what if someone saw?

Forty-five.

What if I fainted?

Thirty-five.

What if a car came and hit me?

Twenty-five.

What if the hospital noticed I was gone?

Fifteen.

What if I got arrested and-

Oh. When had I made it there? The doors were closed, but I knew one more step would send them _whoosh_ing open to let me in. It was nice to know something like that was meant to happen, like the store cared about me opening doors. Automatics were a great invention.

I wanted to reach out a hand, touch the smooth glass, ask politely for entry. But the second I lifted my arm, violent sirens rang out in the early dawn's cool light.

**WHEEooo WHEEooo WHEEooo WHEEooo**

They were coming for me. I had to hurry before they dragged me off to jail. I couldn't go to jail! They'd murder me and use my bones as toothpicks!

Okay, maybe not, but I didn't want to get in trouble. Aerith and the other nurses had been kind to me, letting me out of my room, allowing me time outside.

I would just turn around and walk across like a normal person. Yes, walk, just like other people did every day. I'd just _oh my God RUN!_ I raced across the empty highway and ducked behind a dark shrub. The smooth leaves were cool against my skin.

The sirens grew louder, and then died away altogether. My chest heaved terribly, making my ears ring. I was weaker than I remembered being. Not that I ran much, but still, I shouldn't be this tired. Maybe I should go back upstairs and sleep some more. It was still early.

I made it through the back door as quietly as I could, touching the door to the frame with little force. I was still panting, leaning on the walls as I followed the lines on the floor back to the elevators and eventually the residential ward.

The nurse on duty had her back turned to my room's open door. She hadn't been there when I left. There was rarely a night nurse in this ward.

I walked as quietly as I could, sliding my feet along the ground for added muffling of my steps.

The door was close, and then I was inside, and before I knew what had happened, the bed rose up to meet me and things were suddenly very dark.

* * *

"_Heya, Roxas. I was wondering if I'd see you here."_

'_Here' was a bridge, a wooden one meant for walking. The voice came from a shadowy figure at one end. I looked around, and saw that I stood in the middle of the arch. There was water beneath my feet, misty, as if this were a winter morning._

"_Me? Were you waiting?" I tried to move my feet, but they didn't want to move more than a step towards the stranger._

"_Sorry, you can't come over here. Other side, though, you'll get there a lot easier." An arm extended, gesturing towards the end of the wooden bridge behind me._

"_I don't feel like it today. Is that why you're here? To be the tour guide?" I didn't muich like the idea, a mystery man telling me where to go._

"_Nah, just to point ya in the right direction, kid. Might as well walk, you can't stand there forever."_

"_No…you're right, but the view is pretty nice. Come and see." Suddenly, a cluster of frog-filled lily pads rested on the lake's surface, like they'd always been there._

"_Wish I could, but I can't. Well, maybe I don't wish I could. I'll be here, though. I'm supposed to be." The figure appeared to shrug._

"_Who are you, anyway?"_

"_Roxas, don't you want your breakfast?"_

"_What? What does that have to do with-"_

"_Roxas, it's almost ten, you might as well-"_

"What? What is it?" I shot up in the sterile bed, sweating as though I'd been running again in my sleep.

Tifa's pretty face hovered a foot from my own, her hand gripping my upper arm carefully. "I brought your breakfast. Aerith's shopping for her wedding dress today, so I'm on duty for her." This was explained almost too calmly, as though I might lash out.

"Shouldn't you be with her?"

"Yeah, you'd think that, since I'm the maid of honor and all, but no. I'm here." Tifa ran a hand through her dark hair roughly, as though expelling annoyance onto it. I saw a little piece of the nurse façade fall, like she was becoming more like me, more human. There was kindness, always, but there was darkness, too.

"Maybe Aerith needed you here more than with her. Isn't that your job as maid of honor? To do what she needs to get the wedding ready?" This seemed pure logic to me, but Tifa looked like she'd never considered it.

"You might be right…maybe she needs me to be here…" There was a haze in her eyes now. "You see things pretty well for a teenager."

"It's the only way I'd ever know anything." This was received a bit more solemnly than it was meant.

"Yes…You should eat, it's almost ten and I know dinner is ridiculously late. You must be hungry. I'll leave you to it." With that, Tifa all but sprinted from the room, like some kind of wild animal.

I picked up the spoon and started in on the fruit salad. Another day, another meal I didn't entirely recognize.

* * *

"Tifa, I'm gonna go outside, okay?

"No problem, just be careful, and don't overdo it!" She flicked her fingers toward the elevators, as if dismissing me formally.

I had no clue what I was going out there for. Maybe I'd watch the lizard again. Or catch it, catching it would be a great idea, if I-

"Ouch!" My butt made contact with the tile floor, and something in a paper bag splashed beside me.

I looked up to see which God had deigned to punish me by raining biohazard material on me, and saw a sheepish man rubbing his chest, where my head had collided with several of his ribs. His hair was black and spiky, like Axel's for the most part, except not so…big. He was broad-chested, thickly built, and sported a grin. Why, exactly, was he smiling?

"Uh, guy, I think your…stuff…broke open." I pointed at the mess to my right, which was slowly creeping its way toward the leg of my jeans. I scooted a few inches left.

"Damn it! Sorry, didn't mean to knock you down, I wasn't paying any attention." The tall man held out a gloved hand to me. "C'mon, let me help you up."

I took the proffered hand and stood carefully, trying not to slip in the puddle that spread over the hallway floor. "I'll help you clean it, it's my fault it spilled. I was running. I'd pay for it, but I don't have any money. Wait, I do!" I turned on my heel, wanting to retrieve the bill I'd found early that morning. A hand caught the collar of my shirt, effectively stopping me.  
"Whoa, kid, it's okay, it would have gone to waste anyway. Aerith isn't here and I don't eat this vegetarian casserole soup mess." He smiled again. I had a suspicion he did that a lot. Wait, did he say-

"Aerith? The nurse?"

"Yeah, you know her?" His eyes sparked a little. They were a strange blue-green, almost glowing. Common ground was exciting.

"She's my nurse, mostly, but today she's shopping for a dress, so Tifa's here."

"So THAT'S what she was doing!" The man laughed, his red sweater stretching over his expanding chest. "Thanks for telling me, Tifa wouldn't."

Damn it. Apparently, this guy wasn't supposed to know. Maybe he was Aerith's fiancé? It seemed like she'd go for someone like this, cheerful and tall.

"…You never heard anything."

"Well, I'm incapable of keeping my mouth shut, so what name do I tell her when she finds out I know?"

"…Roxas. Ward. I live here." I waved at the surrounding hall with both arms, as if indicating where, precisely, 'here' was.

"Zack Fair, construction guy and failed lunch deliveryman extraordinaire. I live…not here." He mimicked my gesture, apparently finding it funny. I didn't look like that much of a giant chicken doing it. He slowed, then stopped, most likely realizing what 'living here' meant. "Roxas. Wait, you're the kid that doesn't eat the meat. I have to say, you're smarter than me. I had a sandwich here once, and I wondered what was in it for weeks."

"Aerith talks about me?" This was a new development, one that didn't make much sense.

"Yeah, all the time. She thinks you're pretty smart."

"I'm not. I don't think. Oh, gross, the soup is on my shoe."

"It might be casserole." This was accompanied by a shrug.

"It's on my shoe. Let's clean it up, okay?"

"No problem. Er, with what?"

Zack mopped up the spill quickly, almost with frightening swiftness. Maybe he was clumsier than he looked, or maybe he didn't know his own strength, because mop speed like that only came with practice, and lots of it.

It was early afternoon by now, and the only reason we were still on the floor in the hall was that Zack made it seem the natural thing to do. He crossed his legs, boots heavy against his ankles, and propped his chin on his hands as he asked me about what I did all day. It was nice to know that I didn't have to explain my situation to him, as Aerith had already filled him in. The conversation was nice, strange perhaps, as Zack detailed how he and his fiancé had met, ten years ago.

"And so there I was, up on her roof, and I was saying, "Ma'am, I think this is rotten clean through," and then I fell into her living room. So I hit my head pretty good, and I wake up with her talking to me. And she says, "Don't worry, I'm a nurse," and I say, "Well, then this is a perfect match," and maybe I didn't realize how it sounded, but she yelled at me, and that's how it's been since." Zack looked happy talking about Aerith, and smiled when he considered her shouting at him.

_I want that._ It was painful to think that I wouldn't have ten years with anyone, no chance of a chance meeting, no memories that old to look back on. My expression must have clouded, because Zack frowned.

"I'm sure you're sick of me going on about the woman who sticks you every day. Sorry."

"No, it's all right, I just wish I had someone like that."

He couldn't give the typical adult response of _You will one day_, so he shook his head and stared at the floor.

Damn cancer. It crept into everything, even this.

* * *

"Roxas, the results of your recent lumbar puncture show a slowing of cancer cell production. This is highly unlikely, but as of now, your body has almost ceased producing the bad cells. Please don't get too hopeful, but this may be a good sign."

Dr. Even had knocked on my door as soon as I'd taken my shower that evening, holding a mess of papers that bore much illegible doctor writing. I didn't know how he could even read it. As soon as he'd delivered these results, he left with a swish of his white coat.

A good sign? I didn't fully understand yet. Did I get more time? Why couldn't doctors properly explain anything?

It wasn't like I had anything better to do than watch TV. Sometimes, at about ten, a decent game show came on the news channel. I didn't particularly like game shows, but seeing stupid people fail was a source of boundless joy to me.

I mean, who bids three thousand dollars on a refrigerator? Really?

"I'm sorry, Linda, the actual price of this refrigerator is five hundred eighty-one dollars. That's more than two hundred dollars wrong, so you lose!" The geriatric woman in a Bob Barker Fan Club sweatshirt looked like she was about to cry. Ah, old people.

"Rox? You busy?"

It was weird, but that tenor voice sounded a lot like… "Axel?"

An extremely familiar red-haired head poked through my door. "Hey, kid. How's it goin'?" I stole a glance at the clock, confused as to why he was here. It was only about nine o'clock. His shift hadn't started yet, had it?

"Uh, it's going okay for me, but not so great for that old lady. She just didn't win a refrigerator, and now I think she's having suicidal thoughts."

"Well, that sounds…amusing. I'm off work today, so I decided to come by a little early. So was today remotely interesting without me?" A cheeky grin accompanied this, showing that Axel wasn't remotely serious.

"Yeah, I almost got arrested, and then I helped a guy mop up soup. Or casserole, depending on what you define 'soup' as. So how was your day?"

* * *

The kid seemed a lot more cheerful today. Maybe it was because I hadn't woken him up, or maybe something happened today to make him feel better. Either way, Roxas was fun to be around as we watched late-night Jerry Springer. It was pretty obvious that no one was really their baby's dad, and that the teenagers didn't want to stop dressing too sexy, but the show was mindless fun.

Around eleven, the show cut to a commercial for contact lenses, and Roxas turned towards where I sat in the visitors' chair. I was already starting to develop anal cysts from sitting in this thing, and it had been two hours. He opened his mouth and wet his lips, about to speak. "I had this test the other day, on my bone marrow. And the doctor came in today to tell me that the cancer cells had slowed down. He called it a good sign, but I don't know what he meant." There was a hell of a lot of confusion in his face, but I didn't know how much I could clear up.

"Well, it means you've stopped getting worse, for now. That's really great. I think it calls for celebrating. C'mon, Rox, get your shoes on. I'm sneaking you outta here."

Maybe I was insane. But he needed to be told that for a few seconds, he was going to be okay. And I couldn't think of a better way than what I was about to do.

* * *

**Eurgh. This took forever. I think future chapters will take a while, as I'm really busy right now. I'm sorry it's a bit short, but I only aim for 2000+ words per chapter, so this isn't that bad.**

**Please review if you favorite or alert, I'd like to know what you think. A really detailed review would make my day.**

**Swiss**

_THE CHALLENGE REMAINS…_

_Yeah, no one has gotten it yet. What song is this fic based off of? THE CHAPTER TITLES KNOW. It's about the singer meeting a girl with cancer, and how it affects the artist's life. Whoever gets it right gets a request fic, within reason, so take a guess._


	6. Watch As He Slips Away From You

**Author has been very ill. With apologies, Chapter Six.**

* * *

Axel's pace was fast, but not so fast that I couldn't keep up. The halls were familiar. Fourth floor, my ward, elevator at the end of the hall past the nurse's station. Potted plants sat near the corner of the desk, which was stacked high with paper and those pink hospital cup-and-pitcher sets. A giant white board stood on the far wall, scribbled with names of patients and their nurses.

There wasn't a nurse on duty at this time, so it was simple to leave the floor and get into the steel elevator. There were only five floors, and the fifth was all offices. Third floor held any and all specialist offices, or so I'd heard, and the second floor was maternity and the nursery.

As we walked past the emergency-room entrance on the first floor, it occurred to me that leaving might not be the best idea. I wasn't this reckless, my mind spoke dimly, but then again, I wasn't sure if my mind could be trusted. It was only eleven at night, after all, and I wouldn't be out that long, I hoped. I didn't even know where Axel was taking me.

I know what you're thinking. I usually know. You're thinking, _Idiot, he could take you anywhere._ But you keep forgetting that I can do anything. The worst is already going to happen, so why not take a risk?

Through a back door marked EMPLOYEES ONLY, down the concrete ramp, and into a parking lot. The only car there was a black sedan that looked older than Axel was, which had a HUGE…thing on the top of the trunk. The whole body was patchworked, some pieces with blacks that didn't match.

"Axel, uh…What is that?" I was almost stunned by this automobile's insane appearance. It was like a clown had stitched it together with a soldering gun.

"That, dear child, is Jenny." He seemed like a proud father as he swept an arm toward the monstrosity. Car-enstein. A manmade horror.

"It's…wow. Why is there a thing on the back of it?"

"That's called a spoiler. Only cool people have them."

* * *

The car moved fast, speeding down almost-empty roads. I thought for sure that once it started rolling, it would combust or fall apart, but instead it shook like the apocalypse was upon us.

To add to the fun, a loud guitar line filled the vehicle as I was bounced up and down mercilessly. Axel had this manic grin stretched across his face as he sang along.

"_I got a little change in my pocket going jing-a-ling-a-ling, wanna call you on the telephone baby. Give you a ring!_ C'mon, Rox, sing with me!" He continued on with the song, forgetting that there was no way I could know the words. Axel was an awful singer, but he made up for that with enthusiasm. He didn't look like he was watching the road at all, as that head of spikes thrashed wildly to the beat. I was worried that either we would crash, or his hair would poke out one of my eyes.

The raucous music kept playing, almost syncing up with the mad bouncing of the car. No, its name was Jenny, I corrected myself. Axel's bad singing also continued, much to my chagrin. He was completely off-key, but he looked to be having fun. There were no cars on the road now, Axel and I the only people traveling this highway at- I stole a glance at the dashboard- quarter to midnight. "_She said don't give me no lines, and keep your hands to yourself!_"

This was halfway fun, I decided, as a guitar solo followed and Axel air-played along. He was driving with his knees as both hands strummed an imaginary instrument until the song faded out completely. A female announcer spoke over the airwaves.

"_That was the Georgia Satellites, and I'm Namine St. Emory, your host for Nami at Night. Next up we have the weather with TV-8's Marly Franklin, and then more roadhouse rock until the sun comes up."_ A weather report followed, but I couldn't catch the words that the high-pitched male voice was saying, as Axel turned down the radio.

"Roxas, you're not even going to ask where we're going? I'm hurt, very hurt." He put on a fake pout meant to goad me into asking where we were going. I didn't want to give him the satisfaction of asking, but that face he was making was hideous.

"Okay, Axel, where are we going." I ended on a flat note, making the question more of a statement.

"I'm not going to tell you!" This irritating revelation was accompanied by a slap of the steering wheel and a shrill laugh.

I could think of one response, something I'd caught on a sitcom. I clapped my hands slowly, saying, "Bravo, Ax, you've really made an ass out of yourself."

His childish laughter sobered instantly; his face fell. "Sorry about that. Anyway, we're going to my favorite place from when I was a teenager. I'd walk all night to get here, and then walk back at dawn. I figured even if you can't do the same thing, I should show you."

"Why would you walk so far…" But he wasn't listening anymore. He had turned the radio back up, now playing what I recognized as an AC/DC song. 'Highway to Hell.' How fitting.

We were slowing now, Axel becoming serious as he scanned the left side of the road. "Here's the turn. Hold on." The car swerved to the left in a wide arc, gravity pushing me against the passenger door. The new road was gravel, full of potholes and bumps. My teeth knocked against one another as we rode slowly. The radio played on, music interspersed with static as more and more dark trees surrounded us. _"Sometimes I feel like my only friend is the city I live in, this city of angels. Lonely as I am, together we cry."_ Axel flicked the volume knob way up. "This was the anthem of my high school years. Red Hot Chili Peppers."

I neither knew nor guessed what that particular culinary reference meant to the music, which was smooth but powerful at the same time. It came in a close second to that song about the hill.

Jenny hit a thick patch of gravel and slid slightly, causing the back wheels to drift. Axel shifted into 'park' and turned off the car. The exit light came on, allowing Axel to grab a flashlight from under his seat.

"Okay, it'll be dark for a minute, but the place we're going is lit. Hang on to me if you need to." With that, he exited the car. I felt for the cold handle of the door and pulled inward. The door gave, making contact with something solid.

"Ow, kid. That wasn't necessary, was it?" Apparently, I had made rough contact with Axel's knees.

"Sorry." I was such a klutz, really. Couldn't even get out of a car. Axel didn't seem angry, though. He held out a hand.

"Well, come on. We won't get there with you stumbling around." He smiled, and in the daze of that bright grin, I reached out and placed my fingers in his palm.

The woods were dark and rustled around me, making me imagine all sorts of horrors twisting and dancing through the night. The beam from Axel's flashlight was dismally small, only illuminating the ground immediately in front of us. I was scared, scared senseless, but the pressure of Axel's palm closed around my fingers kept the worst of the fear at bay. I focused on the point where skin met skin, not sensually, but as a source of peace; I was not alone.

A small branch caused me to stumble, coming down hard on one knee. It hurt immediately, stinging the skin. Axel cursed as I fell, the descent bringing him down with me. "Let me see, kid."

He turned the hand holding the flashlight toward my knee, light pooling in the folds of my jeans. There was a scrape through the fabric, and a small amount of blood, but it wasn't serious. Axel, however, seemed to think otherwise. "You're on a lot of meds, your blood won't clot as easily as it should. I'll carry you the rest of the way; you hold the light."

I protested, not happy about being treated like a baby. This didn't impact Axel at all as he picked me up like a man would do for his bride. "Hey, can't you just put me on your back?"

"Nah, you aren't heavy. And then how would you hold the light?" He said that last bit pointedly, reminding me that I was indeed supposed to hold it up. I turned to this task, clicking the flashlight on and shining it in front of Axel's feet.

The walk was uneventful from there, and it ended moments later when lights came into view. Orange in color, they splayed around what looked to be a boneyard, full of boxlike buildings taller than a house.

"Where are we?" I had no idea what this place was, lit so dimly and filled with menacing objects that seemed to close in on us. The air was humid and damp, drifting around the lights to form a sort of mist circling the lamps.

Axel looked down at me with the biggest grin I'd ever seen him wear. "This, Rox kid, is the old train yard." He shifted his arms carefully, letting me know that he was about to put me down. I extended my legs to the ground and felt for something solid, not finding it for several seconds. When I had my footing, I let go of Axel's shirt, not even conscious that I'd put my hands on it.

"Wow." My breath was completely stolen by the surroundings. The abandoned boxcars were rust orange or hunter green, paint flaking from them slowly. But the truly amazing thing about the train yard was the graffiti.

Swirls and curves of neon spray paint moved fluidly across the metal, seeming in the half-light to come alive and dance. They were pictures, words, signs- bright monsters with gaping mouths unfurling themselves along the sides of the train. Swords rested in their clawed hands. It was a battle scene, rendered in cheap paint from a convenience store. I had never seen anything so wonderful created from something so ordinary.

"Axel…that's…it's amazing. I feel like they're real." My hands were shaking, I could tell, as I raised one to my mouth to see whether I was breathing. I exhaled in gasps.

"This is where I went when I couldn't take it anymore. I'd sit until my eyes hurt from staying open and watch them. I could almost see them move, like a real battle. I could just forget that my mother called me a disgusting freak and my father told me I would go to hell. I could…forget." Axel finished lamely, as though his thoughts were too powerful for him to comprehend. His slang was gone, as was his tough accent.

I couldn't think of anything to do other than hold his hand. Sometimes, that's all a person needs, I guess; all another person can think of to do.

And when I touched his fingers again, I could swear I saw sparks in the low light.

That was when I noticed my vision darkening.

"Whoa, kid, you okay?" I smiled faintly, I know I did, at Axel's slang coming back.

"No…but don't tell anyone, all right?"

* * *

Shit. The one time the kid leaves the hospital, he decides to go and die on me. Well, he wasn't dead, but I did have to carry him on my back to the car. Let me tell ya, it was a bitch opening the car door.

I put him in the back seat, because when you faint, your body's tryin' to regulate somethin' by making you keel over. I figured I should leave him lying down.

Still, I don't think I ever drove that fast in my life. I burned rubber as soon as the wheels hit the pavement. _Sorry, Jenny._

About fifteen minutes away from the hospital, Roxas woke up. I saw in the rearview mirror that he was halfway sitting up, with his hand on his forehead. "Axel?"

"Yeah, kid. I'm up here." I tried to watch the road, but my eyes kept drifting to Roxas in the mirror.

"Axel…I think I've got a ghost. Someone trying to make me…go…faster." He sounded sleepy, like he was on drugs or somethin'.

"No, you don't have anything. You're sick, okay? We're almost back to the hospital. Hang on."

"But…you don't feel it?"

"No, Roxas. It's okay. Everything will be fine."

"I'm scared, Axel." His eyes fluttered rapidly. "I'm scared."

"I know. Try and sleep."

_Kid, I wish you didn't have to die._

* * *

It wasn't easy gettin' him back to the room. I used the same door I'd gone out of, but had to wait until an empty elevator showed up. It didn't look good that I was carrying a sleeping kid on my back.

After some sneaking and a hell of a lot of panicking, I got Roxas up to the residential ward, which was thankfully quiet. There still wasn't a night nurse on duty.

The kid was exhausted, breathing evenly as I laid him down onto the thin hospital mattress. I decided to take his shoes off for him, and pulled the sheet over him.

No way was I gonna leave until I knew he was going to be okay, so I pulled up that really hard visitor chair and sat down. It was going to be one long-ass night.

* * *

**I am incredibly sorry for the delay, but an intense sinus infection has made me almost incapable of looking at a screen, let alone typing.**

**The next chapter will likely also be slow, so please forgive my sick self.**

**Congrats to our challenge winner, RainbowNinja…something, who wins a request fic.**

**I hope you enjoyed this.**


	7. I've Been Keeping Company With a Ghost

**Oh my God, this was a bitch to churn out. Updates will be slow, maybe monthly, because school is ending. That means projects, finals, and then getting a summer job. I may also be leaving for the summer, which means no posts all summer long. I do hope things don't turn out that way.**

**Anyway, I've been really sick, so I had to drag myself to the keyboard and then I was so slow I typed maybe a sentence every five minutes. Forgive me for the lateness of this. Really.**

* * *

_That bridge, again. That same wooden bridge spread over a lake blanketed in fog. And once again, I stood in the middle. No, not in the middle; I was closer to the other side. The wood of the bridge seemed less varnished, somehow, and several holes had appeared in the timber. The shadowed figure still stood at the side I'd come from, and it now waved a hand. "Hey, kid, nice to see you back."_

"_I can't say the same, since I can hardly see you." I squinted, but the shadows didn't recede. My feet were still unable to move toward the voice I was hearing._

"_S'okay, ya don't need to see me. You do need to start walking, though. That way." My mysterious tour guide pointed toward the dark side of the bridge, the one I was standing nearer to._

"_Why? I moved anyway. I'm fine where I am, thanks. You walk over there if you're so keen on it."_

"_I can't, I told you. I can't tell you why, I can't tell you who I am, I can't go with you. All I can do is tell you the way. And trust me, it's a lot easier if ya just start steppin'. You don't wanna just be moved."_

"_Excuse me if I don't believe you, but I'm fine right here." I couldn't believe how childish I was being. I sounded like a ten-year-old, telling their mother to 'make them' move. Nevertheless, I folded my arms across my chest and took an attitude stance._

"_Whatever you say, Roxy. Just don't say I didn't warn ya!" The figure shrugged. "That bridge won't last forever. It's already breaking."_

"_Well, I don't care." I wasn't being logical, I knew. But I held on to my babyish self-righteousness._

"_Roxy?"_

"_Wait, did you call me…"_

"_Roxy, are you waking up?"_

"_I don't know, you tell me!" I was becoming indignant, I knew, but I didn't understand anything that was happening, and no one was explaining it._

"_Roxy, open your eyes, please, I-"_

There were hands on my shoulders, shaking me gently, and a voice in my ear, one I could swear I'd just heard. "Roxas? You with me, man?"

Axel's bright red-spiked head bobbed above my face, bearing a relieved expression. "Yeah, Ax, what's the big idea?"

I found myself in a rib-cracking hug, Axel squeezing me like the world was ending. "I thought you weren't going to wake up. Don't do that!"

I couldn't help but notice how good he smelled. Spicy, but sweet, with a hint of soap and hair gel. I relaxed completely, boneless in the tight embrace. This was probably a bad idea, as Axel completely freaked out and dropped me. "No, no, no! Wake up!"

"I'm up, I'm up, okay?" I sat up as far as I could without hitting him, and gave Axel a sort of 'duh' face. "Chill out."

He looked dumbstruck, and then a little…angry? "Chill out? You have got to be fucking with me." Axel let out a deep sigh, and then ran a hand through his rampant spikes. "You _passed out_ on me in the middle of the woods, you ask me not to tell anyone, I have to drive back here going ninety on a freeway looking backward the whole time, I carry you up here without anyone seeing, I skip class to stay here and make sure you woke up, and you want me to CHILL OUT?" With that, it seemed he'd exhausted himself. He collapsed into the visitor's chair, wincing as the thin cushion failed to protect his tailbone. His head lowered into his hands, and Axel let out a shaking sigh.

I didn't know it mattered to him that much, and I didn't want him to be this way. So I did the only thing I could think of. I got out of bed and wrapped an arm around his shoulders. "I'm sorry. I…I didn't know that, that you did all that for me. I…" Words left me then, as I realized I was on the verge of tears. A choked squeak emerged as I tried to hold back any crying. "I…just…thank you. Nobody ever cared about me like that." I held on even tighter, placing my other arm around Axel's neck and squeezing hard. I was crying now, all the way, sobs and all. And Axel finally looked up, letting me see that he was crying too.

He was almost pretty when he was crying, not like me. I knew I was a snotty, red mess right now, but I didn't much care. There were tissues somewhere around here, but I didn't want to let go, so I groped around blindly behind my back. My fingers grazed a smooth, rigid corner. Bingo.

I dragged the box forward, finally holding it under Axel's face, in his field of vision. He took one and then proceeded to loudly blow his nose. "Geeze, Ax, real polite."

He discarded the used tissue onto the floor and let out a halfhearted laugh. "That's what you say when I'm blubberin' like an old lady over a soap?"

"Uh…" I had no idea what to do now. I'd said the wrong thing, I'd hurt his feelings somehow. Say something, anything. "I…you've never visited during the day before?"

This idiotic pronouncement drew an exaggerated guffaw from him, shoulders shaking and all. "Yeah, well, I've committed a crime for you now, I might as well."

The sun was up, glaring through the ugly green hospital curtains. I didn't want to stay inside and watch the day end, I inexorably desired to be part of it.

"Hey, Ax?" He snuffled, as though breathing was difficult. Which it probably was, considering all the crying. "Ax."

"Yeah?"

"You think Demyx is working today?"

* * *

We…well, I skipped to the elevator. It was so nice outside, and I had a friend here, and we were going somewhere. This wasn't a cause for great joy, but I couldn't help it. The ride in the small elevator car seemed to take longer than usual. My heels began bouncing up and down of their own accord, faster and faster until I thought I felt my eyes rattling in my head. Axel wasn't looking, reading the bulletin board at the back of the small space, but my rapid motions drew his attention. "Shit, Roxas, you okay? Snap out of it, man!" He moved as though he was going to shake me, but I laughed and slowed the bouncing to a small wiggle.

"I'm okay, that's just one of my habits."

"It looks like a seizure. Or like you're a giant Pop Rock or something."

"Pop rock? What's that?"

"Oh, God. You are deprived, kiddo." He reached out a hand to ruffle my hair, and for once in my life, I suffered through it. I hoped he knew how lucky he was that I wasn't trying to kill him. Not just anyone could touch my hair and live to tell about it.

The elevator car finally came to a halt, and the doors _ding_ed and opened. I exhaled, happy to leave the dimly-lit, claustrophobia-inducing room.

I didn't need the arrows anymore to find my way around the hospital, but I glanced at the colored stripes on the white tile under my feet out of habit. The purple one led to the courtyard, the yellow to the cafeteria, the green to the front desk. Axel shuffled along behind me, each step brushing along the ground, casting a long, spiky shadow over mine. I followed the familiar way marked in purple, turning left at the waiting area, then right at the gift shop, until I faced the heavy glass door. Fresh air awaited me, and Axel, strangely silent since we exited the elevator, reached ahead to pull the door open.

"Hey! I'm not a girl, I can open a door!" I wasn't really offended, but a little curious about the sudden chivalry.

"Well, princess, wouldn't want ya busting a blood vessel on me." He flashed a grin, a real one this time. Apparently, referring to me as female made him happy.

"I am NOT a princess. I let you get away with calling me Roxy, but not…THAT."

"Sure, and you're also not going through this door anytime soon, are you." It was another one of those not-a-question questions, and I realized he was still holding the door open.

"Oh. Yeah. Door." I stepped through and into the courtyard, inhaling mulch and what I thought was the smell of life.

_Whrrrr._ I could hear the sound of a leaf blower roaring to life, though my vision was still obscured by a low-hanging fern. That meant Demyx was working, blowing nonexistent leaves off the concrete table in order to look like he was doing something.

Axel nearly skipped ahead of me this time, pouring over the ground like water to reach the center of the courtyard.

"Demy!"

"OOF!"

The blower sputtered and died. I could guess what had happened, but I moved forward to confirm that Axel had indeed tackled Demyx to the ground.

"Axey, you can't just jump me. I'm working! Why aren't you in class, anyway?" Demyx tried his hardest to seem angry as he brushed leaves from his hair, but he wanted to laugh.

"I took a day off! I came to see Roxy, and I couldn't just leave without saying hello." Axel said this like it was perfectly normal, and asking was stupid. I was almost suckered into the ruse, but I knew better. Apparently, so did Demyx.

"Axel Sebastian Sinclair. You are in nursing school. You need to be in class every day. You cannot just take a day off." He took an almost motherly posture, his left hand on his hip and his right wagging a finger in Axel's direction. Axel seemed to shrink, as though even his hair knew he was being scolded.

"Aww, Demy, but I brought you a present!"

"Oh, did you." The matronly demeanor was still there, but it was somewhat softened. "And what, may I ask, is this wonderful gift that will make me forget that I'm mad at you?"

"Close your eyes and hold out your hand." Demyx reluctantly complied, keeping one eye slightly open until Axel told him not to peek.

Then, Axel…_uh, wait, is he about to_…he laced his fingers with his beloved "Demy's"…and…_holyshithe'sactuallygoingto…_kissed him. The kind of kissing that got people in trouble. I mean, full-on, making out, there's-definitely-tongue-there kissing. Demyx's muscles relaxed, and he wrapped an arm around Axel's neck. _Uhhh…I don't think I'm supposed to watch this kind of TV…_

I heard rather than felt my jaw unhinge and hit the ground. People's jaws didn't really just drop, did they? Mine seemed to be doing its best to prove me wrong.

I knew Axel was gay…but with Demyx? He seemed about as straight as, well, me!

At this point in my internal monologue, the two people thrashing about like eels before me recalled that there was an impressionable teenager nearby. I must have looked like I was dying, but Axel didn't take much notice. Nor did he seem embarrassed, because his reaction was to wipe his mouth on his shirtsleeve and walk over to close my mouth for me.

"AXEL SEBASTIAN SINCLAIR!" Demyx, on the other hand, was spluttering indignantly. "You KNEW the kid was there, and you still…You probably scarred him for life!"

I don't think Demyx heard Axel whisper, "Hang on, Roxy, gotta do some damage control." Said redhead turned from me and stood with his arms open, the picture of contrition. "Demy, baby, I didn't _mean_ to do that. I was just gonna kiss you a little, and then, well, you're a…really…good…kisser?"

This speech slowed to a halt when Demyx picked up the fallen leaf blower and began to walk menacingly toward Axel. "I. Do. Not. Care. Now you will _go_, or I will shove this leaf blower up your nose, and I will _like it_."

"Okay, Demy, don't do anything you'll regret…"Axel was now on the defensive, walking backwards with his hands up, as if to further prove that he was unarmed.

"It's okay, really!"

Both of the…_lovers? Wow, weird thought_…turned toward me. I then realized that I'd just said that. I was already involved, I might as well attempt to save a life. "I'm not scarred, just…surprised. You don't have to kill him with that. Or! With anything!" That last bit was said staccato as Axel shot me a terrified look. Apparently, he thought Demyx would find some other method to slaughter him. "So, uh, you can put that down, because you don't need to…uh…yeah." My face felt like the Sahara on a hot day, so I looked down at my feet to hide how embarrassed I was.

"Hmph. You're lucky I like this kid, Ax, or your hair would be waving goodbye to your skull right now." I saw, in my view of the ground, that Demyx had placed the blower by his side and now stood with his arms crossed. "So, kid, how's it going?" Demyx's stance became immediately less tense when he addressed me.

"Huh? Me? Uh, I'm okay, I guess. How are you?" This was easy. Basic question, basic answer.

"Could be better. SOMEONE just made me an accomplice to traumatizing a kid." That was accompanied by a pointed glare in Axel's direction. "But nothing's been too bad other than that."

"Look, I said I was sorry-"

"If the porcupine over there wants to keep his head, he'll shut up." Demyx's chin pointed toward me as he lifted his head in a mimicry of being haughty.

"Fine. If you won't talk to me…Roxy, come over here a sec." Axel crooked a finger toward himself and winked.

I kept an eye on Demyx, because I knew he was still angry, as I sidestepped over to Axel. "What?" I said out of the corner of my mouth.

Axel whispered his idea into my ear and handed me the required object, then gave me a push toward Demyx. The mullet-bedecked member of our little group narrowed his eyes in suspicion, but didn't seem to be dangerous when I approached him.

"Demyx, Axel is very, very sorry, but he wants to ask you a favor." I took a deep breath and held out the camera with my head down. "Would you please take some pictures for us? Of all of us?"

Demyx's eyes gentled as he realized that there was no trick. "Yeah, no problem. Give it to me." He accepted the proffered camera and began snapping photo after photo, occasionally jumping into the frame.

Axel and me sitting at the concrete table. Me squawking in protest as Axel tried to pick me up. Demyx with an arm slung casually around me, and Axel's hand making bunny ears behind both of us. Me, Axel and Demyx all squashed into one photo, smiling so hard we thought our faces would crack. Axel holding onto my hand as I tried to end the photo shoot and walk away.

These were the moments I had, the ones I could hold and keep. For this little while, I could hang on desperately to pictures and imagine myself back somewhere I felt was my home.

* * *

It was late afternoon, the orange glow of the setting sun spilling over the ugly green curtains. Axel had gone home, promising Demyx he'd definitely go to class tomorrow. I was sitting on my hospital bed in my pajamas, thinking about the day. I hadn't wanted to sit still and watch the day end, but even when I filled it up with my friends and having fun, I still had to see the sun go down.

My eyes burned, and I was freaked out to feel that I was crying. Scalding tears raced each other down my face, and even though I didn't know why I was crying, I couldn't make myself stop.

A knock sounded at my door, and I tried in vain to wipe my eyes on the rough sheets.

"Roxas? It's Aerith. Can I come in?"

Oh, great. I did the only thing I could think of: I ducked underneath the covers and pulled them up to my nose. Maybe she wouldn't see, and she wouldn't ask what was wrong. I couldn't answer that; I didn't know myself.

"Yeah, come on," I pronounced, the words a bit garbled by the sheet in front of my mouth.

The door opened wide, and Aerith's pink-clad figure strode into the room. "How are you feeling today, Roxas?" She was smiling as always, and I felt bad that I was probably about to make her worry.

"I'm okay." This too was muffled and hard to understand, and Aerith was too smart not to notice my odd situation.

"Roxas, I'm here to take your temperature and check your blood pressure before dinner, so if you could just come out from under there and-"

_The jig was up_, as the old men on crime drama shows liked to say. I let the sheet fall down to pool in my lap as I sat up. My red eyes and wet face didn't pass her inspection. "Oh, sweetie, what's wrong?"

Great, the worst possible question she could ask me. "I…I don't know. It just happened." I scrubbed at my eyes hard, trying to mask the tears still attempting to escape.

"Well, it's normal. You aren't in an easy situation right now. Crying is the least of your problems, okay? Don't be afraid to show me that." Aerith placed a comforting hand on my shoulder and peered up at me from her bent-over position near my bed. "Would you like a tissue?"

"Uh-huh." I took the proffered hospital Kleenex and wiped the tear tracks off my face. "Where's the thermometer?"

"Oh, it's out in the hall. You think you could stand one more visitor today?" A small, mischievous smirk twisted her lips, and I wondered who she meant.

"I guess I wouldn't mind."

Aerith's smirk turned into a soft smile, and she called out to the door, "Okay, you can come in now."

A vaguely familiar clomping of boots ensued, accompanied by a tall man in overalls and a gray t-shirt, who didn't seem to notice that the black spikes of his hair brushed the door frame. The man gave a congenial wave. "Heya, kiddo. How's it going?"

"Zack!"

"Yeah, good job, you remembered it! Run into any more people lately?"

"No! You ran into me!"

"Did not! You weren't looking where you were going!"

"Boys, behave!" This was from Aerith, whose eyes had bounced between me and Zack like tennis balls. "Honestly, Zackary, he is a teenager, but you are not. Be good."

"Aww, but I was having fun." Zack looked at Aerith with puppy dog eyes, silently trying to charm her into lenience. She ignored it, and held out a hand for the thermometer. "Well, lady keeps me on a tight leash. What can I say?" He shrugged, and placed the thermometer he carried into Aerith's hand.

"Zackary Fair. If you would act your age, instead of like a-" I hadn't seen Aerith annoyed this way yet, and it was a big switch from her usual gentleness.

"I know, I know. It's all my fault, you're right." Zack had his arms loosely around her waist as he softly singsonged apologies into Aerith's ear. "It's okay, I'm a big dummy, and I'm gonna be good, all right?"

She melted like butter. I had to get Zack to teach me that trick. This was on my mind while the thermometer did its work, beeping when it received an accurate temperature. Aerith reached for the device and pulled it from under my tongue, studying the digital panel on the side. "Hmmm. Ninety-nine point seven. It's a little high, but not enough to worry about. We'll check it again tomorrow and see." With a shrug, she stowed the thermometer in a pocket on her scrubs. "Zack, it's about time that Roxas here had his dinner and went to bed. He can't stay up too late in his condition."

_Ha, if you knew how late I was up last night…_

"Okay, I get the hint, I'm goin'. Bye, kiddo, nice seein' ya again. Get better, ya hear?" Zack drawled. He had a small country accent, I noticed, that came out when he spoke to me.

"Zackary, talk properly or don't." I guess Aerith didn't like it much.

"All right, all right, I'm leaving now. Nag me when we're at home." Zack departed quickly to avoid something he was sure Aerith was going to throw at him.

She didn't, though; she sat down on the edge of my bed and looked at me. "Are you sure there wasn't a reason you were crying earlier?"

"I don't know. I was just thinking…"

_Axel and Demyx kissing. Zack and Aerith getting married. People on sitcoms raising families. The gas station attendant going home to his mother. Dr. Even picking out his wife's wedding band. Tifa meeting the right man, a UPS delivery guy._ Some of it had happened. Some of it would someday. But I wouldn't have any of it. I wouldn't be able to hold it and say that those moments belonged to me. Never.

Before I knew it, I was crying again, making whimpering sounds that were like an old man breathing his last breath. "I'm sorry."

Aerith looked at me like she saw everything. She smiled at me a little, trying to hold something back. "What was it you were thinking of?"

_God, I'm jealous of you. Of everyone who will carry on after I'm gone._

"There are some things…so many things…that I'll never understand."

"Oh, honey." And then Aerith was crying too, hugging me, getting her scrubs wet and I was just there, and for a second, I could pretend that this moment was mine.

* * *

**I am aiming for this fic to be ten chapters plus an epilogue, so the end is nearing. Maybe for once I'll actually finish something! Yes!**

**Okay, so here's a little quiz for you, with a prize of your choosing.**

**In the manga and anime **_**D. Gray-Man**_**, what is the gatekeeper of the Black Order Headquarters' name?**

**To the victor, the decision of Roxy's first kiss. There are three options, but only the winner will know what they are. Do try to win, as I have to know for chapter eight to be put up!**

**I do love you all.**

**Also, this.**

**A new friend of mine, SisterWicked, has a policy that if you Story Alert or Favorite without reviewing, she will send you an angry PM.**

**I am considering the same policy. It's quite rude to stalk an author without saying hello.**

**Please review. Or I will shrivel up and die.**

**Swiss**


	8. What Is It In Me That He Hears?

**Late chapter is late! I am so sorry! Enjoy and don't forget to review!**

**UPDATE: 6/1/10: Fucking FFnet ate my line breaks. Here they are, now the POV switches will actually make sense. See this thing below? It's a line break.**

**~XxX~**

I woke up early this morning. Dem was next to me again. He likes to keep up the illusion that we're not gay for each other, so he still has his bed on the other side of the room.

Bullshit. Almost every night, he ends up sleeping with me. In more than one sense.

Don't get me wrong, the sex is nice, I guess, but sometimes I wish he pretended he liked me once in a while. It blows not to be able to take your boyfriend out for ice cream, or kiss during a movie, or hold his hand in line at Burger King. I don't even like Burger King, but the fact is, I don't like being someone's secret fuck.

Maybe I feel guilty because sometimes, I think of someone else. Someone I know pretty well, but a little older at times like that.

Yeah, I think about him then, too.

Anyway, I'm up first, which is amazing. It's Saturday, which means no class and no work. I have nothing to do today. I could go see the kid, but Demyx would throw a bitch fit. He thinks I'm getting 'attached.' I think that's also bullshit. Roxy's not a dog. I'm not gonna ask if I can keep him. He's just a kid, a lonely kid, and he's pretty fun to hang out with. Most of my friends are serious, too mature about work and the future. It's sad that someone who doesn't have a future can be so great about facing it.

I have a coffee problem, which is why the first thing I do is hit the button on the pot that makes it go. Dem gets it ready at night, I hit the button in the morning. It's not that I don't appreciate him. Not at all. But I wouldn't care if he never did anything if he'd admit that we're together. The coffeepot burbles and splashes as it makes the steaming-hot brew, and I train my eyes on the glass container as it slowly fills.

**thump. thump. thump.**

Demyx must be awake. I can hear his feet from the other side of the wall as he gets out of bed and pads into the kitchen. His hair is sticking up more than usual, and his plaid pajama bottoms are rumpled. "G'mornin'."

His English isn't real coherent first thing in the morning, so this is a major effort for him. I can tell he's still tired when he lets out a huge yawn, causing tears to bead at the corners of his eyes.

It's eight a.m. This is pretty early for either of us to be up, so I feel a little bad. "You want breakfast, or do you wanna go back to sleep?"

He yawns again and plops into a chair at the kitchen table, which is really a card table that we got for almost nothing at a yard sale. "If y'can be up, th'n I c'n." This comes out in mumbles, but I'm an expert at translating Sleepy Demyx into Recognizable Words. "_If you can be up, then I can_."

"Suit yourself. We got Pop Tarts, cereal, and…cereal." I would have said toast, but the bread is turning kinda blue. As it was, I wouldn't trust the Pop Tarts. They've been in the cupboard for weeks.

"Cereal." He shrugged, as though cereal was something he wasn't particularly invested in, but would take if someone offered.

"Then come get it."

"Axey, don't be mean. Please?" He tries a puppy-dog face, which doesn't work as well since he's a twenty-four-year-old man.

"You can get it. Besides, the coffee's ready."

"Blech. I'uno how you drink it." Dem stuck his tongue out at me and squinted his eyes. He acts like such a kid when he's tired. Despite his protest, he got up and walked heavily over to the "pantry" section of the kitchen and took out MY cereal.

Normally, I will raise hell like no one has ever seen if someone dares touch my Total. But today, I'm feeling enough malaise to allow it without a fight. I watch as he pours the slightly stale breakfast cereal into a plastic bowl left over from some party or another. It makes a _plink plink plink_ sound as it hits the bottom, and Demyx uses the other hand to rub the sleep from his eyes. I imagine it going into his bowl, floating slightly green in the milk, which he pours left-handed. I'm glad the jug is mostly empty, or we'd have milk everywhere. "You got any plans today?"

The sound of my own voice startles me, like I didn't know I was going to ask. He doesn't notice anything odd and keeps his eyes on his cereal when he answers. "No. We need food, though. Wanna come to the store?"

This is monotone, like he doesn't want me to say yes. I do, just to be contrary. "Yeah."

"Are you sure? You know you get hyper when you're stuck following me around." Dem's voice is that of a scolding mother, as though telling me I'll be tired when I go to bed late. I do hate the supermarket, more than anything. "I'm sure. I'll help push the cart."

**~XxX~**

Here we are at Wal-Mart, an institution that I know Axel hates almost as much as RadioShack. I know he hates it because he's drumming his fingers against the handle of the buggy and singing what sounds like Metallica under his breath. "_come crawling faster…"_ Drum, drum, drum. I think his knuckles must be hurting by now, but it doesn't stop as I pick up fish sticks, yogurt, canned ravioli. I ask him if he wants anything, but he's off somewhere else.

We move toward the check-out after the frozen-food aisle, even though I'm nowhere near done with the shopping, because I don't know if, no, when Axel will blow.

There's a line. Of course there would be a line. I silently hand the keys to Axel, who doesn't say anything either as he stalks out of the sliding doors. I can see him scowling even though his back is turned to me. It's fifteen minutes before the idiots in front of me shut up and leave. I place the few items I managed to pick up onto the wet conveyor belt, mentally naming everything I didn't get. No orange juice. No canned tuna. No coffee creamer.

"Welcome to Wal-Mart, how are you doing today?" The cashier is kind of fat, with a long French manicure and redred lips. Her patriotically-colored nametag reads 'Danielle'.

I jerk my head out of this careful character analysis and give a noncommittal "Fine." She snaps her pink bubble gum and clacks those nails against the register keys. Click, click, click. Beep, beep, beep.

It's a little rhythm in itself, not unlike Axel's drumming.

I hate it, the way every rhythmic noise is _tick-tock, tick-tock_.

The loose change I got back from my three twenty-dollar bills makes a hollow noise when it's dumped on the counter. I scoop it up as fast as humanly possible and grab the six bags that my groceries were unceremoniously dumped in. Thank God they don't ask to see my receipt, because I wouldn't have been able to find it.

Axel's in the car when I reach it, still drumming his damn fingers against the window. There are fingerprints, but I don't say anything as I slide into the driver's seat. No music comes from the speakers, which is new.

"Have I ever told you," and I visibly jump at this, because I didn't expect him to speak to me at all, "have I ever told you that I hate this car?"

Of all the things he could have said. My car isn't anything to remark about. It's a tan, beat-up '02 Civic. Boring as boring gets. And he brings on a tirade about it.

I back out carefully, only offering a murmured "Really." The parking lot is a distant memory as no more words are spoken.

He's in his fifth year of college. Well, grad school, really. I'm in my last year of undergrad, and then I'll be able to get a job. A business degree can get you places, so I hear from my advisor. Whatever that means. What kind of places does he think I want to go?

We were too young when we decided to do this. When we thought it would be great to get a dorm room together, get drunk together, kiss each other, have various types of sex. We were stupid. We knew nothing about anything.

If you asked me a year ago for my name, I'd have said "Demyx and I love Axel." Now, I'm beginning to wonder if I was only faithful to the first pair of lips to offer themselves, the first bottle I didn't open myself, the first comforter to bulldoze me under like so much mulch. These feelings of unsurety, discomfort, the need to hide somewhere small have been growing, and they're knocking me off my ass more than any fruity vodka ever could.

Mulch. Yeah, that's about the way it's been going.

**~XxX~**

**There's not much to be said about time. It goes, and that's that. It flows in and out, but it never stops moving along. Time sweeps us all up in its malicious currents, and it doesn't let go until it's sure the life is gone from you.**

**Time has been passing in the usual way here, though I may be the only one who sees it leaving and waves goodbye. I haven't felt any different, but I sleep more lately. People move so fast to my eyes, now. I see them, but I don't have any hope of flagging them down.**

**Axel doesn't move quite so quickly, though. Every now and then, he stops and turns around. He comes to visit every few days, and he usually stays for a while. He looks tired, most of the time, but he doesn't say anything, and neither do I.**

**I'm grateful that I matter to these people. Aerith. Tifa. Zack. Maybe even Demyx, a little.**

**I'm almost happy to have come here.**

**~XxX~**

I'm gasping for air. Slowly sinking underwater. My breath bubbles in my chest, threatening to spill over and drip down my jawline. I can't breathe at all.

_Try again, Roxas_.

I try, once more in and out, and nothing. I can't breathe. I don't know what to do. I start thinking of anything. It's February 23, and it's morning, and I keep coming back to _I can't breathe_.

It hurts, I register muzzily as shouts come to my ears. Beeping noises fill my thoughts, and then things go dark.

_Huh. I didn't know it would happen that way._

I wake. Beep. Beep. Beep.

What happened?

I can breathe, though. Okay. My name is Roxas. I have that. I'm fourteen, almost fifteen, and I'm probably still in the hospital.

"Oh, you're up." A brown, curly head of hair makes itself known to my eyes. Aerith, then. I try to say hello, but I can't talk. Why? The air is humid as it enters my lungs. I begin to struggle, trying to find my voice.

"No, no, honey. Don't try to talk. You have a respirator on. There was fluid in your lungs, and you couldn't breathe on your own. They drained it, but you'll need this for a few more hours. It's okay." She smoothes the hair back from my forehead. I am sweaty, and her hand is cool. I wonder if a mother would do this kind of thing.

She doesn't say anything else, just keeps stroking my hair and squeezing my hand. There's a needle in it. Huh.

We're quiet, accompanied by the steady beep of the pulse monitor. It reminds both of us over and over that I am still here, for now.

**~XxX~**

It's noon, probably. They came in to take the mask away. "They" is no one I know, just another faceless orderly in green. I can breathe okay, but they gave me an emergency button just in case. No more going outside. I wish I'd have known. I would have gone one more time.

_Rap. Rap._ That's a knock. It's a harsh sound, but the intent is soft. I'd say "Come in", but my throat still feels liquid.

Tifa comes in, wearing burgundy scrubs trimmed in pink. I wonder if she's okay with Aerith now. I haven't seen Tifa much since they were fighting.

"Hey there. I heard you weren't feeling too well. Actually, more than heard. I was the one who drained your lungs." Her eyes are red, from lack of sleep or tears. Tears for me?

She holds out an envelope, cream-colored. It looks expensive. My name is on the front, followed by the hospital address. I rip it open carefully, trying not to damage the pretty paper, but the corner comes off entirely. Inside is a flower-printed card.

_Ifalnah Gainsborough & Judy and Martin Fair_

_request your presence at the wedding of their children_

_Aerith Gainsborough_

_Zackary Fair_

_to take place on_

_May 17, 2010; 9:30 A.M._

_Our Mother of Mercy Hospital Chapel._

So they set a date. That's good. And they're getting married here? Odd, but maybe all of Aerith's friends work here.

May is a long time away. I'm acutely aware that my six months are almost up. Will I be alive then?

Tifa seems to expect a response. I can't give much of one, but I smile as wide as circumstance allows and nod.

"I'm happy for her, you know?"

I nod again. Tifa's eyes develop a far-away glaze.

"But sometimes I want what she has. Not Zack, just…somebody."

I can't do anything else but reach out and pat her hand. She seems to take solace in this and nods to herself. "Oh, and you have a visitor." With that, she turns and leaves. I feel bad that she's so lonely, but there's nothing to be done.

We're all lonely, in the very end.

In the space of these thoughts, a familiar bad hairdo makes its way into the room. **Demyx**, the embroidered tag on his jumpsuit blares, as if I didn't know. He stands a yard from the bed, as if he's scared to approach. I don't blame him.

"…hi." This is hesitant, but it's a start. I lift my hand and waggle the fingers in greeting.

"Oh. You can't…" and here a hand is lifted to his throat. "Oh. I heard about that."

I nod again. My neck is sick of all this moving, but I do it anyway.

"I just wanted to tell you I'm glad you're feeling better. Axel should be by after classes." This pronouncement doesn't make him happy, if the scowling twist of his lips is any indication. "You know, he's always here nowadays. I never see him. Maybe you should be telling me how he's doing instead of me telling you." Demyx doesn't look at me. He stares at the floor.

I don't say anything. I try to catch his eye, try to transmit _I'm sorry_. He never pays attention.

"I'm sorry. This isn't your fault." He sighs and rubs the back of his head in what strikes me as a very Axel-like motion. "I'll be getting out of your way. I have to go grocery shopping."

He's gone faster than you can say "awkward silence."

**~XxX~**

**People parade in and out of my room, but I forget who they are so fast. Was it today that Tifa came by, or three days ago?**

**Things melt like candle wax, even though no time has passed at all.**

**February 23. Hold onto that as tight as you can.**

**~XxX~**

"Axey?" I hear in his voice that this isn't a happy use of my nickname.

"Yeah." My voice sounds even duller over the phone, I'm sure. Some static crackles in the background. The car hums quietly to itself as I sit at the stop sign.

"He's fine. Are you going to come home tonight?" Dem's angry, wants to cut to the chase.

"No, I gotta visit the kid before I go to work. Class just let out. I don't have time. Maybe tomorrow." I know how cold that sounds. I just don't much care.

"You don't have time."

"No."

"You haven't been home in three days, besides to sleep." This conversation is venturing somewhere dangerous. I brace myself.  
"I know. I'm sorry." This sounds flat even to me. He'll know I'm not sorry at all. I liked him better, almost, before we got naked that one time. Damn watermelon vodka. Damn this job. Damn everything. _Not him. Never him._

"I can't do this any more." I saw that coming, and I can hear tears in his voice. I'm not crying. I don't feel any heat pooling in my eyes.

"So you're saying we're over?"

"Yeah."

I pause for a few seconds, thinking about what to say. What do people usually say when they're broken up with? "I'll be by in the morning to get my stuff."

"What stuff? I pay for everything! Axel Sebastian Sinclair, you can't just think that I'm going to let you-"

The tinny fount of complaint is silenced by my shutting the phone and tossing it somewhere in the backseat. What do I need it for?

I take a right onto Wesson and run a red light. I know where I'm needed.

**~XxX~**

"So, to make this simple, your time is almost up. I'm sorry."

"Oh."

"Is there anyone we should call?"

"No, that's all right. I'd like to sleep for a while now."

**~XxX~**

_If I end up on this bridge one more time, I'll shoot myself._

_I'm almost to the other side now, and the voice of my "guide" is faint._

"_You see what happens when you don't walk? Today wasn't fun, was it."_

_It's not a question._

"_Look, the bridge is there for a reason. You cross it."_

_I look at the wood supporting my feet and realize that it's rotted. It's more hole than plank, and the nails are rusty. The hand rail has disappeared, and the water beneath is brown and roiling with slime. "This isn't a bridge, mysterious voice. This is termites holding hands."_

_I hear a chuckle. I guess I can be funny, sometimes. "Termites or no, kid, you gotta go eventually. It'll hurt to be dragged across."_

"_I'm fine where I am, thanks." I momentarily turn from the far side and look to the side I am involuntarily drawing closer to. There are shapes, humanoid, but cloaked in shadow. They open their arms as if to catch someone who has fallen._

_Maybe it's me._

"_Roxas," they whisper. "Roxas, I came as soon as I could. I-"_

"-'m sorry. I didn't mean to make you wait so long."

"Wha? Axel?" It is him, I realize. No one else has hair like that. He smiles down at me while I process the scene I've woken up to. Axel's here. For me.

"Hey, Roxy." There's the trademark grin, the head rub. They seem dimmer for some reason. Then I realize…he knows.

"I guess you heard."

"Yeah."

There's a heavy pause, while he debates whether to ask. I know what he wants to know.

His "How long?" comes out and gets garbled with my "Not much longer."

"Oh," he says. I know he can't figure out what to say. I flop back against my pillows without realizing I'd risen from them.

"I guess I'll never kiss a girl now." I sigh heavily, and Axel says nothing.

"I'm not much of a girl, but…" I hear a smacking noise and see that he's clapped a hand over his mouth.

"But?" He doesn't have to tell me. I know what he was going to say. He'd kiss me, if I wanted him to. He'd do that for me. "You'd…for me?"

His head lifts, and those green, green eyes stare at me like they know who I am, down to my core. They probably do. "You really want to know?"

"Yes." I have to know. I have to say yes to everything, or I'll miss it all. I have to listen.

"I love you."

**~XxX~**

Shit. My mouth ran off with me again.

Here I am, twenty-six, apparently some kinda pedophile. I don't know, though- it's not like I wanna jump the kid or anythin'. I just like him, I guess, even though it sounds like a third-grade crush. He's fun. And he'll be real nice-looking when he gets older. If he gets there.

He probably doesn't even know much about what love is, let alone sex or being gay. I've wrecked him. Aw, shit.

I mean, I wouldn't kiss him if he didn't want me to. But it was on his list. He said so.

Maybe he isn't angry.

I don't expect him to feel the same way.

But there goes my damn mouth, _"I love you."_

Why not just say, "I like having sex with cheese graters"?

What's he gonna say now?

**~XxX~**

He what now?

Did Axel just say he loves me?

**~XxX~**

He's sittin' there gapin' like a dead fish. Bad analogy, there. But he isn't moving or sayin' anything. _Fuck, bad move. Cover it._ "I didn't mean it like THAT, kid. Geeze, what kinda guy do you think I am? Nah, you're like a little brother. Only a lot less annoying."

His mouth shuts after he processes this. His eyes take on a devilish glint. "No. That isn't what you meant."

"W-what?"

The kid rocks forward onto his knuckles and knees, smiling like the cat that got the canary. I think maybe I'm the canary. "You meant it the other way. People don't say they could kiss their little brothers. So tell me the truth."

_Damn it._ He's too smart for my bullshit. One road left. The truth. I take a deep, long breath.

"I'd do anything for you. Anything to stop this. Give you any part of my body you need. Adopt you if you wanted that. If you were about…ten years older, and I'd met you then, I'd have been yours. Signed, sealed, delivered." _This is no time for Stevie Wonder, Axel. Stop babbling._ "The bottom line is that I…I want to spend my time with you. And maybe you want to have yours with me. I know that's a lot to ask, but…"

Soft fingers touch my lips. No calluses, reminds me how young he is still. "What about…y'know, Demyx?"

I almost have to laugh. He isn't pushing me away. He's asking me about my boyfri- okay, _ex_-boyfriend. "It didn't work out. He didn't want me getting attached."

"To what?"

"You, retard."

He laughs there, smiling so wide his face is almost scary. "I ruined your relationship."

It's not a smiling thing, usually, but Roxas-as-baby-homewrecker is kinda silly. "It would have happened anyway. We were too young to know what we wanted."

"Oh."

"Axel?"

"Yeah?"

"I think…I feel like that about you, too." It's the best thing I've ever been told. But wait, there's more. "Does that mean I'm gay?"

_Oh, god, this question._ "Maybe, kid," I say while trying not to laugh. I've given him sexuality issues. Great, Ax, ya fuckup. "But that doesn't really matter. I'm gonna give you one of those things on your list."

"Cigarettes?" He knows, he has to know it's not.

"Not quite." I can't stifle a little chuckle.

**~XxX~**

**And then there were stars, boxes of stars opening and flying around my face and hands, tangling in my hair, water flowing between my toes like so much sand. Rain, too, the warm rain that comes with summer being breathed between my lips until it ran through my fingertips.**

**Electricity. Spark. This is it. This is what I've been waiting for. This is for always and everywhere. This is what I have for now, to keep, to hold on to and crush the life out of.**

**Minutes. Days. I don't know how long I have left. I would die now if it meant I could go like this, here, pressed between the pages of the moment before and the one after, kissing Axel my first and second and sixtieth kisses, this is what I was made to be.**

**Nothing else.**

**This.**

**Now.**

**Here.**

**Axel.**

**END**

**~XxX~**

**Oh my God. I am so sorry that took so long. Forgive me, but then again, this is a long chapter. Expect two more and an epilogue. We are hurtling towards the conclusion.**

**See? SEE the AkuRoku?**

**I told you it was coming. Nyah. *blows raspberry***

**I hope you enjoyed this. **

**Review, especially if you alert or fave, because if you don't I will hound you forever.**

**Love, Swiss.**


	9. Stronger Than the Hands that Hold You

**So I know I'm bitch-crazy-late, but I can explain! Really! …I just went through a really bad breakup, and what I was feeling about that wasn't right for writing this. I didn't want to taint this story with my pain. It's been a while, but I still hurt. I managed to push it aside to write this.**

**Thanks to everyone who is holding on. Enjoy.**

"Good morning, Roxas. Breakfast time."

This day was one like any other. It was March fourteenth, Sunday, and I was where I always was. Aerith had come in as usual to bring me breakfast, and I was feeling all right.

Breakfast this morning was toast with grape jelly, a scrambled egg, and a piece of ham. I was grateful that I could still eat without a tube, taste the purple fruit flavor of jelly and the soft but solid feel of the egg in my mouth.

The toast went first, down before Aerith had even set the tray on the table. Orange juice next, to wash down the thick bread, and then the ham. I wished for bacon all of a sudden, as though I had genie powers to deep-fry the pork on my plate.

When I'd gotten through the egg, I noticed that Aerith was still there. That wasn't as usual, not at all. She usually put the tray down and left. Instead, she was watching me eat with a smile on her face.

"Roxas, I wanted to ask you something."

Oh. That explained a lot. "Mumfkay."

Egg does not make the best conversational aid. Aerith seemed to understand, though, as she continued to speak with the same soft smile.

"You got the invitation to the wedding, right?"

"Yes. I'll be there…" I didn't see the point in being a downer and adding the unspoken _if I can_.

"Well, me and Zack had a talk, and it turns out…we don't have a ringbearer." I got it now. She was going to ask me to… No way. I couldn't promise that and then die and-

"We'd like you to be a part of the ceremony. Is that okay with you?"

I didn't have a choice then but to say it. "If I can."

"Thank you, then. I hope you know how special you've been to me since you've been here. I wouldn't ask just anyone." The smile dropped a bit. "I don't want you to feel obligated to, but…" I heard the unspoken ending there again. _If you die, don't feel bad about it_.

I was getting pretty tired of having to censor myself, and I was sick of everyone else having to do it just to avoid 'upsetting' me. "I'll be there if I'm still here."

A small flinch was all that was detectable in her peaceful countenance, but there was noticeable sorrow in her smile. "I know."

**X~x~X**

"Roxas! I've been expecting to see you down here sometime." Tifa's face was lit by a bright smile as she stood behind the desk at the nurse's station. A blonde, pale man stood on the other side, dressed in a brown shorts uniform and leaning on the counter. Whoa, hang on, this guy looked like he could have been my dad. Same crazy bed-head, same blue eyes…More than a little odd.

It looked as though they'd been there for some time, so I didn't feel guilty about not hurrying. "Well, I'm here now, I guess?"

"Yes, and Cloud here was just delivering some supplies." Tifa stuck her chest out and giggled a little, something I didn't see her do on a regular basis. She was also blushing a light crimson, which made it look like she was pretty into this 'Cloud' guy.

"Oh. That's good, then."

"Thank you for your business," Cloud said in a barely audible voice. I couldn't see what Tifa was so attracted to, he didn't seem like much of a talker. On closer scrutinization, I guess he wasn't bad-looking, but how much could that really matter?

"I'll be leaving now, I'm done here… Uh, Tina, if you need something delivered…"

"It's Tifa."

"Yeah, Tifa. Sorry. You know who to call." And with that, Cloud stalked out of the door. He pulled down a pair of goggles over his eyes to hide his expression, but his cheeks were beginning to color. This endeared him to me a little, as he seemed to have genuine tendrils of feeling for Tifa already. Maybe she was finding her someone. It was about time.

"Tifa?"

"Yeah?"

"You're completely spacing out." She seemed to recollect who and where she was at that point, as she shook the glaze from her eyes and looked down at the desktop.

"Sorry, it's just…he comes here all the time, and I always act so stupid when he's around. I don't know what it is, I just feel like maybe he's good. One of the good guys, white horse, armor, all that. Do you know what I'm saying?"

"No, not real-" I was overridden as she continued on her lovestruck babble.

"And isn't he just so cute? I mean, the hair and the eyes and the _shorts_, oh my God!" Tifa caught herself again there, blushing an incredibly dark red and looking like she wanted to hide inside her top.

"I think he likes you. He was blushing." Tifa looked almost alarmed at that, like someone had Tasered her.

"No. No way. It's hot in here."

"You have goosebumps, don't lie. Call him and ask for something to be delivered."

"Yeah! That's the perfect idea. You're a genius! I'll do that!" Her genuine exhilaration made me smile a little, too, even if the happiness didn't belong to me. I wondered what would come of their relationship in the future, or if I'd be around to see it.

With that out of the way, I waved a hand at Tifa and made the short trip back to my room.

**X~x~X**

**Mornings like that came and went. Moments weren't much better, and much easier to forget. My life had become disjointed into separate moments, interspersed by staring at my ceiling and wondering **_**is it today? Tomorrow? Never?**_

**I wanted someone to jump out from behind the dresser in my room and say this was all a joke. I felt in my bones that I was weaker, but I tried to smile just as much. There were nights where I was bent in half, rocking back and forth, trying to push away the pain.**

**There was only one thing tying me to the ground, one constant in the moments I remembered, one person who kept me from floating away like a balloon.**

**X~x~X**

"Axel, what _is _that?"

"It's ice cream."

"It doesn't look like any ice cream I ever saw."

"It's sea-salt. Come on, it's really good!" He waved the offending frozen treat in front of my nose as though that would increase my appetite for it. I hated to deny him, but every time I ate, I felt heavy and wrong. Like food didn't belong inside me. I knew this was all part of the process, but I hadn't expected the aversion to be this strong.

"Ugh, you're not going to drop this, are you?"

"Nope! C'mon, Roxy, just bite it. It's delicious and nutritious." There was an almost singsong tone to Axel's voice, and I found it grating on my resolve.

"It's ice cream. Since when is that nutritious?"

"Please?" All traces of merriment gone, green eyes wide and focused on my own, Axel looked downtrodden and miserable. I hated that look. I'd swear his spikes had even deflated a little.

"Give it." He immediately perked up, hair rising to full attention once again, and thrust the blue bar of ice into my hands. I licked it tentatively, finding nothing incredibly wrong with it, and then gingerly bit into it.

"That is…disgusting." I chewed slowly, pondering the flavor. It was sweet, and then a rush of bitterness brutally assaulted my taste buds. It wasn't the best ice cream ever, that was for sure. I took another bite, wondering if maybe "awesome" setting kicked in the second time around. No, didn't seem that way. Maybe the third time was the charm.

Axel was watching all of this with rapt interest, a knowing smirk on his face. "If it's so disgusting, why are you still eating it?"

"I'uno," I tried to say, impeded by a mouthful of the strangely addictive foodstuff. I swallowed quickly and repeated, "I don't know."

"I think you like it."

"I don't think so."

"You do, just admit it."

"Oh god…brain freeze!"

"…What have we learned today?"

"DAMN YOU, AXEL!"

…He knew I never meant it.

**X~x~X**

The door slammed shut behind me as I walked into an oddly empty dorm room. I'd been in Traverse visiting my grandma Maggie for her birthday, and apparently Axel had been through already. Really, we weren't getting divorced, so he couldn't just take the microwave! He was not entitled to half of everything I owned!

See, Axel came from a foster home, and he was going to college on state funding. I wasn't too well off, myself, but we'd always been best friends, and I tried my best to give him things that would make him feel like this room was home. That meant a card table, a mini-fridge, a shared computer, the missing microwave. I really had cared about him, then. I still did, but I was almost positive I didn't love him like I used to. Maybe like an estranged brother, or something. Yeah, that worked.

I walked into the bedroom, already used to the way my footsteps were louder when only I was there to hear them. A thin layer of dust covered my side of the room, testament that I hardly, if ever, had slept there. The second bed on the opposite wall was gone. I supposed that was fair.

My desk was intact, as was my laptop, but several pens seemed to be missing. That wasn't anything important, pens could be replaced. As could the desk lamp that had moved out in my absence.

A note sat on the fake-wood writing surface. Orange Post-it. _If I left anything, let me know. I'll take it off your hands._

The inside of my desk drawer was untouched, even though several of Axel's things remained there. His Chem IV notes, his spare car keys. A thick white envelope that I'd never seen before caught my attention. _Kisaragi Pharmacy: One Hour Photo_. The flap was still sealed, indicating that it had never been opened. I probably shouldn't have looked inside, but I had to know whose it was, right?

That's what I told myself.

The pictures inside were from a few months back, when Axel and that Roxas kid visited me in the courtyard. They were surprisingly good, seeing as I was an incredibly spastic photographer. They were all black and white, which was a little odd, but made the images that much more painful to look at.

We all looked happy, of course, but Roxas's smile was melancholy and slightly wan, as though he knew this peace wouldn't last. Axel's face was brighter than I'd ever seen it, grin beaming so strongly it almost hurt my eyes. I, on the other hand, appeared to be incredibly happy at a glance, but the smile didn't reach my eyes.

_These pictures weren't meant for me_, I decided, and placed them in a box with the rest of what Axel had left behind. I'd get around to sending everything eventually.

I didn't want to, but there was only one thing left to do. I booted up the laptop and opened a new document.

**Roommate needed: 1 bed, 1 bath, kitchen.**

**½ rent per month ($300).**

**Nonsmokers preferred.**

I had never let Axel smoke in the room, I wasn't going to start now.

**X~x~X**

"So, I dissected this guy today in Anatomy V…"

"Axel, no sentence should ever start that way." A shiver went down my spine, thinking of all the dead people that landed on college-class tables. Maybe Axel would see me again like that. "Would you dissect me?"

"Hmmm… Maybe."

"Really?" I was slightly afraid, then, but a mischievous grin lit his face from his position in the uncomfortable chair. His hand held mine tighter and moved in gentle circles on the pad of my palm.

"Yeah, cause then I'd get to see you naked." A lecherous wink followed, making me want to face-palm.

"I should have known."

"Seriously, though, I don't think I could ever do that to you. Never, ever."

"Promise?"

"Promise." He linked his pinky with mine and ruffled my hair with his free hand. "Now…what d'ya say I help you take a bath?"

"Pervert."

"Yours."

"Completely."

He kissed me, tasting like smoke and sugar and bad coffee, and I found myself forgetting everything. He kissed me again, and I felt like I could live forever.

**X~x~X**

A soft rap sounded at my door, interrupting my contemplation of what Axel's real hair color actually was. I was betting brown, but blonde seemed to be a likely choice as well. There was really only one purpose for knocking here, it wasn't asking for permission so much as an exchange of "If you're doing something embarrassing, stop," followed by, "Okay, all traces of weirdness hidden."

There was only one response, as well.

"Come in."

The face that peeked through the crack in the door wasn't one I ever expected to see again, but the sandy blonde mullet didn't lie. He came closer, but was still a good two yards from my bed.

"Demyx."

"Uh…hi."

"Hi."

"You look…good." The lie was obvious, I was thinner than I'd ever been and paler, too. Demyx shuffled his feet on the floor and took a deep breath. _Here it comes_. "Um, I don't think you'll be seeing me much anymore, but I wanted to tell you I don't hate you or anything."

"Okay." I was mildly bemused by this, as I never thought he hated me in the first place, but I allowed him to continue.

"I…I don't blame you for me and Axel…you know. It wouldn't have worked anyway. I just wanted you to know that." His face was red, for reasons I couldn't place.

"I never thought any of that. It's fine." I didn't know what else to say, but I figured he wanted absolution so I wouldn't die and leave him feeling guilty.

"Really?" Demyx's face lit up, and he lifted his eyes to mine for the first time. "Thank you. You have no idea how much that helps me."

"Glad to be of service." I was a little offended that I had been correct about his intentions, but I guess it wasn't a bad thing to be apologized to.

"Oh, no, I didn't mean it like that. I didn't want you to feel bad about anything and I-"

"Demyx, I don't feel bad about it. It's okay." He reminded me of an older Sora, a little, in the way that he'd talk until someone told him to stop.

"Okay. Okay. Well, I gotta get back to work now, you know, pretending to run the leaf blower."

"All right, it was good to see you." A slight lie, but a harmless one.

"I'll…uh…I'll keep my fingers crossed for you." He held up two interlinked digits as if giving proof. "Oh! You might want these, you or Axel. Here." Demyx reached into his jumpsuit's pocket and pulled out a white envelope. He approached me carefully, as though I might bite, and placed the envelope on my nightstand.

"I appreciate that. Thank you."

"Okay, well, uh…" He rubbed his forearm with the opposite hand, as if unsure of how to leave.

"Bye, Demyx."

"Yeah. Bye." There was relief in his tone as he turned and left, closing the door quietly behind him.

Everyone wants forgiveness when the opportunity won't be around much longer, but I understood, and I didn't feel any particular way about it. I swept the envelope into the nightstand drawer to avoid questions when Aerith came in to bring me my dinner. Salisbury steak and peas with mashed potatoes.

The world could have been a lot worse.

**X~x~X**

"Roxas?" I didn't know how to ask this question, but it mattered to me.

"Huh?"

"What do you want to happen, y'know, after you go?" There, I said it. I stared at the night sky outside the window to hide how weird I felt.

"You can say it, Axel. _Die._ I'm going to die." His voice was flat, monotone. This wasn't good, he didn't want to talk about it.

"I just want to know if there's anything I can do, something you want me to do for you. Scatter your ashes in the ocean, and all that." I attempted to make a joke out of it, but failed miserably. My "I'm being funny" smile was still on, frozen in place.

"I want a lot of things, but I don't think you can make them happen for me." He pouted a little, and it shouldn't have been, but it was so damn cute.

"Tell me anyway," I said from my seat at the foot of his bed. "I wanna know."

He looked like he was thinking about it, and then looked up at me with a strange glow in his eyes. Damn, those were blue. "You want to know?"

There was only one answer now. "Yeah."

"I want Sora to get adopted by someone who doesn't suck." Sora? Oh, right, his friend from the home. The hyper one.

"Continue."

"I want Tifa to marry someone nice, and Zack and Aerith to have kids, and…"

And what? Were all of his wishes that…nice? I bit my lip waiting for the rest.

"I want you to keep walking. I want you to smile so if I can see you I know you're okay. I want you to be the best guy nurse ever," he said, sniffling back tears and turning red with the effort, even though a small laugh escaped him.

I didn't know what to say about that, but I knew what he had to hear. "I will. I promise."

So many promises, each one like a grain of sand. _I promise I love you. I promise I'll be here. I promise I won't laugh. I promise I won't tell anyone. I promise, forever._

Roxas dragged me outta that train of thought with an offer. "Do you want to know what I want while I'm here?"

Now this was important. "Yes."

"I want you with me. I have so many stupid little want things, when it comes to you, but I won't be able to do them. I want to go on dates and fight with you and figure out the whole sex thing," he blushed a bright lobster red, "I want to look for apartments, and burn food. But I can't have that. So I want you with me here."

"I can do that."

"Promise?"

"I promise."

"You want to know what I want most of all?"

_God, yeah. _"What?" I was scared I'd look too interested, but here he was telling me everything.

"I want…" and right here he breathed in really deep, and I knew he was going to cry. "I want to not go. I want to stay and be old and eat old people food and live. I WANT TO LIVE!" The last words were a frantic howl, and he burst into tears and bent over, wrapping his arms around himself. He shook harder than I'd ever seen anyone shake, and I realized this is what it's like when you don't have time. This is what it's like for the people who can't change their plans.

"Oh, Rox…" I did the only thing I thought I could do. I unfolded his arms and placed them around my neck, lifting him onto my lap and holding him as tight as I could. I was so scared I'd break him, but he held on just as tight and sobbed into my shirt. I didn't like this one much anyway.

_God damn it, you bastard, you try and take him. You try, and I'll kill you. Don't you touch him._ I wasn't making sense in my head, but I held Roxas to my chest like Death wouldn't take him if someone was pulling him back hard enough. Angry, hot tears escaped from my eyes and spilled into his hair, but he didn't look like he minded.

"Roxas, I won't let it happen. I won't. You can't go." I was lying through my teeth and I knew it, and so did he, but he knew why I said it. I knew why he let me say it.

Love. God, why did I have to find it when there wasn't any time left?

I wasn't going anywhere, that was for damn sure. I'd stay here until they dragged me out, and then I'd climb in through the window.

I wasn't gonna leave. I promised.

**X~x~X**

Aerith Gainsborough rapped gently on the door to tell Roxas and his friend that visiting hours were over, and then turned the knob carefully when there was no answer.

The two were there, but both were sound asleep, Roxas against the red-haired man's chest and the man clutching him around the waist so tight that Aerith doubted Hell itself would pry his hands loose.

There was no reason to wake them. Aerith could see past the stigma, the "how it looked", and she made the decision she thought was best.

It was only too easy to see that the term 'visiting hours' just didn't apply here. Not to them.

A silent tear snaked its way down her cheek as she closed the door as quietly as she could. Some days this job was more than one woman's heart could take.

**X~x~X**

"_Roxas."_

"_Oh, great, you again," I said with no enthusiasm as I found myself in the same place I did every night. The bridge was nearly nonexistent now, only a few broken pedestals of rotting wood standing between me and the roiling darkness._

"_I don't want to make you do this," my mysterious 'helper' stated. "It'd be better if you just go while you still can."_

"_Bite me," I spat out. "I'm not fucking listening to you. I have things I need to do. You can just as well sit down and wait."_

"_I will, as long as I can, but sooner or later,, I have to get you over to the other side." The voice sounded almost apologetic, even though I couldn't see its owner through the mist anymore._

"_You…don't want to?"_

"_No. I don't. I wish you could turn around." A strange twinge formed in my belly, almost trust. I lifted a foot and took a step._

"_Well, I might as well get going. But not too fast."_

**X~x~X**

**Wedding coming up. Birthday. Easter. The start of summer. I felt it slipping harder and harder. It's harder to move, talk, breathe than it used to be.**

**Every night, before I went to sleep, I would beg whoever was listening, "Just one more. Please, I'll be ready tomorrow, just one more day with him. Not now."**

**The best morning of my life was when I woke up and Axel was still there, arms locked around me tight, his hair somehow ending up in my nose. Huh, his shampoo or hair gel or whatever smelled nice. I memorized that, knowing those times were numbered. **_**Please. This is what I want to take with me, across the divide.**_

**END**

**X~x~X**

**Okay, I have some really important things to ask and say. I have to plan out the final chapter, so please be patient! It will get here, I promise you all. **

**I thought this would go a different way, which is why I rated it "M". Would I get more readers if I rated it "T"?**

**This isn't really an "ask", but a "beg." If you like this, please review. If you hate this chapter, please let me know so I can make the next and last one the best one ever. If you hate the whole fic, tell me so I can work on it for next time. In other words, REVIEW. I really want details on what people like and don't like here.**

**If you can tell me the movie (or one of them) that is referenced in this chapter, I will write you a one-shot, hmmm? Anything within reason.**

_**BIG IMPORTANT REQUEST**_

**Does anyone out there draw?**

**Fanart?**

**Okay, you're in the right place. I would be your slave forever if you'd draw me a cover for a CD mix for this fic, which will be published as "Chapter 12". I would really love a version of the photo of Roxas walking away and Axel pulling him back from Chapter 7.**

**Seriously, I'll do ANYTHING. It can even be computer art or photo shop! **

**PLEASE?**

**Until the final chapter, **

**Swiss**


	10. Years for You and I

**(IMPORTANT A/N) Hello, all, Swiss here with possibly the fastest update I've ever given.**

**I don't think this is the place to talk about my personal life, but certain events threw me into the proper place for writing this chapter.**

**The usual ending author's note will not be there, I think it might wreck things, so I ask that EVERYONE PLEASE READ THIS. **

**#1.) This is the last full chapter, but there will be an epilogue clearing a few things up for everyone, so if this seems unfinished, that would be why.**

**#2.) ONE HUNDRED FRICKIN' REVIEWS! :) I think my 100****th**** reviewer was Razer Athane, but I could be wrong… Let's see if we can crack 200, hmmm?**

**#3.) Thank you to everyone who offered me fan-art! I haven't gotten any yet, but I'm looking forward to it.**

**#4.) Thank you to everyone who has ever looked at this story. I've never finished one before, so this means a lot to me. Special love to those who have been with me since Chapter One…sadly I don't know who you are… But, I love you! :)**

**#5.) Should I rate this "T"? Would it get me more readers? …that's what it's all about…**

**A Special Request (The Final One, Actually.)**

_**If this story makes you cry, makes you angry, makes you say "WTF?", confuses you, or you hate its guts… I want to know.**_

_**What I'm asking is for every person who reads this chapter to review. This fic is a part of me, and I've shared it with you in the hopes that maybe you can know me through my writing.**_

_**Please, if you love this story, if you hate it, if you have an account or not, if you want to kill me, anything. Tell me everything. In the end, your reviews are what made writing this worth it, and they are what I will continue to work for.**_

_**Flames loved just as much as high praise, lengthy comments preferred either way.**_

_**If every person who reads this chapter reviews, imagine what a beautiful world it will be.**_

_**I really look forward to seeing your thoughts and using them as fuel for an amazing epilogue.**_

****

"Happy birthday, dear Roxas…"

The phrase 'I never thought I'd live to see the day' had never been more appropriate. Fifteen, past the date I'd been given. Even though there were mornings when everything burned and shook inside me, these seconds made it worth it.

"Happy birthday to you."

This birthday party was a bit of a shock, as I never told anyone when my birthday was, but it was great to wake up and have almost everyone who cared about me there. Aerith and Zack were there, of course, Aerith giving me a hand-knitted blanket and Zack giving a shrug and "I _wanted_ to buy you porn, but someone said no."

Demyx was there, though how he got invited was a mystery, and I saw him actually shake hands with Axel. He whispered something in Axel's ear, though, something that sounded an awful lot like "I want my fucking microwave back." Then I wondered if I'd imagined it as Demyx's smile returned and he offered me an oddly shaped package.

"It's a clock radio," he said, and all I could do to keep from laughing was solemnly say, "That's good to know."

A slightly bigger surprise was that Tifa had wrangled that delivery guy, Cloud, into coming to the occasion. He didn't say much, mostly stood off to the side, but every once in a while he'd reach out and squeeze Tifa's hand. The blush on her face and the gentle smile on his made me sure that everything had fallen together for them. I was happy, she deserved it.

When it was time to blow out the candles, I had a little trouble sitting up far enough to leave the bed. I tried to not let it show, tried to put my feet on the ground, but a slender hand pushed me back to the pillows. "Sit the bed up, we'll bring the cake to you."

Aerith was always a bit too perceptive about things like these.

The candles were lit with Axel's ever-present disposable lighter, the cake was resplendent on the adjustable food tray over my lap, and I had a wish at my disposal. I breathed in as deeply as I could, thought of what I wanted most, and exhaled.

What came out was a half-sputter so weak it barely disturbed the flames.

_Oh, God. This is possibly the most humiliating thing that has ever happened to me._

And then Axel was right there next to me, blowing a puff of air, trying his hardest to be discreet about helping me do what anyone should have been able to. The candles flickered out, and I realized that I hadn't wished for more time, like I'd imagined doing. When I saw the tiny lights go out, I'd thought of how life wasn't really all that bad, and I'd wished for everyone to be loved.

**X~x~X**

I could barely get up most mornings. I was tired all the time, and I'd skip baths for two or three days, even though I knew the medicinal, sterile smell of the hospital found its way into my skin.

I knew I looked like a pale bag of bones. There were shadows under my eyes deeper than the dark under the bed, and I wheezed when I breathed in.

Axel didn't leave often, though; he'd shaved down his schedule to the bare minimum. I told him not to, to go to school, but he went and did it anyway, saying it was only one more year.

He sat next to the bed in the horrible chair while I slept, sat on the bed next to me and watched lame TV, sat on the bathroom counter looking the other way when I took a bath. It was comfortable, but I wondered why he was still here. I wasn't anything to look at, I didn't joke around or laugh much anymore. I was a shell, the cocoon after the insect inside was through with it, something useless that hadn't figured it out yet.

Still he sat, talked, made noise in the silence, brought presence to the empty room. He slept in the horrible chair, slumped over with his head on the mattress. I told him to go home, that couldn't be good for his back, but he stayed anyway, saying he could sleep anywhere and there was a reason for chiropractors.

"Why do you do it?" This was May, in the middle of the month, and I was thinking too much.

"Do what?" He cocked his head to the side like a confused puppy.

"Why stick around? I won't get better, Axel. I'm not going to get any prettier, I'm not going to get older, I'm not going to 'get' much of anything besides dead. Why are you still here?" I didn't hear any anger in my voice, just flat inquiry.

I wasn't prepared for the cold fury that gripped his face, or the cold hands that gripped my bony shoulders. "What…do you mean by that?" His tone was deadly serious, and I felt myself begin to sweat.

"Don't act like you really want to be here. Don't fake it that you want me anymore. You don't have to. You can go." I was so damn angry, so mad that he lied like he did. Pretended to enjoy it, pretended to laugh at things, when all he was doing was waiting it out. I wouldn't hold him here any longer.

The grip on my shoulders increased in force, almost painful, as Axel's jaw set tightly. "Shut up."

"W-what?" I was scared, scared of him at that moment. He'd never been this way before.

"Shut. Up." It was audible when I gulped, prepared to say something, then closed my mouth. Axel stared me down for a few seconds more and then continued. "Don't you ever. Ever. Tell me that I don't want to be here, or that I don't want you. Don't you fucking tell me that I don't care. Because I fucking love you. Do you get that? This scares me more than I have EVER been scared in my life. I'm scared that I'll have NOTHING after you go. I'm scared shitless to be alone again. Don't EVER tell me this isn't real. Because if this isn't real, I'll kill myself. I'll die right now. If this isn't real, NOTHING has ever been real."

His voice stayed level, angry, and I collapsed like a broken bottle and cried. "_I'msorryIloveyouIloveyouI'msorrypleasedon'tI'msorryIloveyou…"_

I couldn't tell who was saying what anymore, but it mattered that it was being said. _Quick, while there's time left._

**X~x~X**

**Axel brought me flowers one day. They were yellow, and they smelled nice, and they sat in their vase for days until they had all gone brown.**

**I liked them a lot. It was good to know that the earth was waking up and making things, even though I was sort of falling asleep.**

**X~x~X**

The hospital chapel was beautiful like this, with soft ribbons and pink roses on every pew, and Zack looked hyper as hell as he waited for Aerith to make her way in. It wasn't easy for me to walk that far anymore, but I had promised, and even though I didn't have the coordination to put the tie on anymore, I held the pillow with the rings on it and walked down the aisle with my back as straight as I could. _Do not fall down. You can do this, your knees aren't that bad, just walk straight, then you can sit. Do not fall. Do not fall. Donotfall. Youwillnot. Youwillnot._

The ceremony began, and light piano began to play as Aerith entered the room, hair down and wavy for once. Her dress was pretty, floor-length and strapless, with pearls on the top part and a flowy-looking skirt. I wondered where the pink was, then realized her bouquet was entirely made up of various shades of it and smiled to myself.

I saw Zack's face light up like a kid in a candy store when she began walking, and I wondered what he was thinking right then. Everything was wonderful. This was happy, and I was part of it. Everything seemed to glow, and the actual marriage moved pretty quickly. Before I knew it, we were all standing, and the man in a dress was saying, "I now pronounce you man and wife. You may-" Sharp gasps interrupted the priest for no apparent reason.

_Why did they stop? _I wondered. Then I realized I was on the ground looking up, and several faces floated into my field of vision. "Roxas, are you all right? Hey, don't close your eyes! Stay with us!" I wasn't sure who it was that was talking, things were pretty blurry, and the world started looking like a busted TV set.

"Sorry for…dying all over the rental suit…"  
I didn't have time to say anything else before my vision went completely.

**X~x~X**

Opening your eyes onto a bright room was always strange, and the first few blinks were clouded with sleep. I brought a hand up to rub away the slime I was sure had collected, finding myself met with a sharp tug on the back of my wrist. _So the drip's in for good. One day soon I'll wake up and not be able to move, even if I want to._

I couldn't tell for how long I'd been out; the time of day was no indication and I didn't have a way to figure the date. No one was in the vicinity, or so I thought until a gurgle of water from the adjacent bathroom caught my attention. Axel meandered out, zipping his pants on the way back to his chair, clearly not expecting me to be awake.

I didn't say anything, not entirely sure I still could. He didn't see that my eyes were open for a second, and when he did, he nearly jumped out of his skin.

"Roxas? You with me?" There was a significant amount of incredulity in his speech; I wondered what the doctors had told him about my chances.

I nodded, not trusting my voice.

"That's…really good. Uh… How are you feeling?" I could see that he didn't know what to say, the awkwardness belied his fake calm.

"Okay."

"Good." Axel seemed to notice he'd already said that, and quieted. He began twiddling his thumbs, a sure sign that there was something he wanted to say, but was biting back.

This silence dragged on for agonizing minutes. I could almost hear my joints crackling, synovial fluid not doing what it should.

"Axel?"

"Yeah." His head raised, but it was a statement of awareness more than a response.

"Can I have another ice cream?"

"What?" Now I had his attention.

"Ice cream. I'd really like one." A lie, but a useful one. I didn't want much of anything lately; still, things had to be done.

"Ice cream. Yeah, I'll be back." He moved listlessly, as if he were underwater, through the doorway.

It was time. The clock was running backwards, the water was leaking out, time to say what had to be said while I could.

Thank God for hospital stationery.

_Dear Axel._

_ If you're reading this…_

**X~x~X**

"Are you sure? I mean, you've got the wires and there's not much room to begin with…"

I patted the empty space on the bed beside me. "Stay. That's all."

**One more night, please. One more morning waking up warm and happy. I want to be hungry again, to want anything other than time.**

**X~x~X**

Things were less concrete the closer I got to the end. More colors faded out, faces were disconnected from bodies or voices, I pushed away food and didn't couldn't leave the bed. Words words endless pouring around me filling the bedsheets rocking me to sleep.

I reached up to touch his face, just one more. Just one more time, please, let me have that. Skin to skin. Tracing the tattoos that I never asked for the story of. I wouldn't remember now if I had.

**X~x~X**

"…_no one ever dies in the Game of Life…why is that?" The little one asked, half asleep and thinking out loud._

"…_no one loves, either," said the bigger one who loved him, grasping for something right to say._

"_That's true." _

_And the little one yawned like a sleepy kitten, curled up as best he could in the fuzzy blanket someone had made because they loved him, the bigger one not leaving, not letting go of the smaller skeletal hand, not for anything. Not ever. _

_The little one fell asleep, breathing deep and slow, soothed by living touch and thoughts that it would be nice, wouldn't it, if only certain things could change._

**X~x~X**

Awareness struck me first, the awake you feel when you haven't yet opened your eyes after a long sleep.

Open my eyes.

I tried.

I couldn't.

Twitch a toe, say something, lick my lips, nothing responded. This body was dry as salt, too blunted to move any way other than the pulse of my heart and the up and down of my chest.

I registered faintly that there was a mask over my mouth and nose. I could smell the impersonal, acrid odor of plastic.

There was the ever-present hand in mine, still as a calm ocean; Axel's pulse beat through his skin like it was trying to climb inside of me and keep me going longer.

Today was the day, then. I'd been so scared of it, but in the dark, there was a lot of time to think. If it was a choice between forever like this and whatever came next, that wasn't much of a choice at all.

I felt like a patient in a doctor's waiting room, something I knew well. I had arrived on time, but I'd be kept waiting another hour for no apparent reason. Death was processing me, completing the paperwork before calling my name.

Noise, somewhere off to my left. A familiar voice, but I couldn't tell whose it was. "He can likely hear you, but it will be soon."

"How soon?" There was Axel's baritone, comforting even now, even through this. "Days? Minutes?"

"Hours, I'm afraid. If not today, then early tomorrow."

I was always one to appreciate a good time frame.

There was an ice cube being drawn over my lips, slow, like ChapStick. It felt good, the air not as stale, the water rolling onto my tongue. I couldn't swallow, but the cotton feeling backed away. Not gone, but crouching somewhere close.

Axel never left, not that I could tell, and he was never silent. I would swear I knew his early life story by now.

"Uh…when I was fifteen, that was my first year of high school. First time I had a crush on a guy. Short like you, with this kind of blue hair. Name was…Ienzo? Something foreign…anyway, so turns out he wasn't gay, and I got humiliated in front of the entire school. Well, not really, but enough of the school to where everyone knew… Roxas?"

I wanted to say something. Ask him to continue. As long as I was listening, the clock was still going.

There was a loud sniffle, and the slight shock of something wet and hot on my arm. Tears.

"If you could talk, I'll bet you'd tell me to shut the hell up and let you sleep."

No, I wanted to tell him. Talk. Tell me, ask me, inform me. As long as you can talk to me, I'm still here.

"But, since you're not, I'm going to just keep going."

I would have smiled. In my head my mouth bloomed wide, flashing dirty teeth and pale gums. In the real world, not even a twitch of my eyelid. Axel seemed to understand anyway. I loved him for that.

"Okay, so at the homecoming dance that year, which by the way really sucked…"

**X~x~X**

I was drifting. I was horrified. One minute I was reliving Axel's first dance with him, and when I next noted his voice, he was telling me about the beginning of college. I skipped in and out of listening, though where I went when I didn't hear him was an unknown quantity.

Death, maybe; I was slipping into dying until Axel's voice called me back.

I then noticed he'd been quiet for a while…or was it me? Where had I gone?

"Roxas." I'm here, I'm here, tell me. Please. I feel transparent, like the lights from overhead pass right through me to the sheets below.

"Roxas…I love you. You can…" Sobs, earth-wracking sobs like cloth tearing, a fire engine klaxon, sorrow so deep I didn't think a person could ever climb out. A deep breath. A swallow. "You can go, if you want to." This without any wavers, no gasps. Didn't he know I didn't want to leave? I didn't want to…

Where am I? Who am I? Who was I before?

I'm weightless, I think. Like a leaf from a tree on the wind. Wind, I remembered that. _I love you._ Who said that? Did I think it? Mops and soup and boots and stars. Ice cream. Plants. Wrong answers. This was the life I was forgetting.

Inhale. Sweet stale air. It bites my throat, but I am falling through a wind tunnel, plummeting towards invisible ground.

I'm perpendicular to my body somehow, holding onto my own hand where it meets Axel's, a Diaspora of soul from flesh. _I love you._ Dissolving, evanescing into vapor. I couldn't hear anything, or see anything, sense anything at all.

_Walking across a broken bridge, a hand reaching out from the other side, I catch it before the planks collapse. I am saved, pulled toward harbor. Home?_

. Thetrainisboarding,getongeton, paperorplasticyou'llbeLATE!, ,iloveyouthankyou. For everything. Everything no matter how it hurt.

The sky, if there was still a sky, shatters like a mirror and falls onto me, inside me, piercing my not-skin with sharp pieces. There is a tinkle of broken glass, and then everything, all of the sweet painful noxious _Iloveyou_ everything,

was

quiet.

**X~x~X**

Beeeeep.

The hand around mine lost its purchase.

Beeeeep.

"Ohfuck. Rox c'mon, this isn't funny, wake up now. Things to do people to see, ohfuck Roxas get up now, please please don't do this I-" was shoved away by men in white coats and women in green, clipboards written on in a messy scrawl.

"Call it."

"8:23."

The sheet was pulled up, the gurney rolled from the room. I was standing in the corner under the TV, which was murmuring _Jeopardy!_ and why was I thinking that, he was gone. They took him away.

I felt myself sink to my knees on the hard sterile floor. No tears. I shook, I wrapped my own arms around myself, I shuddered violently until I thought something was going to snap. I tried to light a cigarette, fuck policy, the flame wouldn't take. Try another. Another. Every cigarette in my trusty pack of Marlboro Reds scattered on the floor, my thumb still flicking the lighter uselessly, scorching my hand that was shaking almost too hard to keep a grip.

Roxas was gone. No, he hated "euphemisms." He was dead. Cold. No life left under his skin. No clockwork turning in his eyes. The buzzer had sounded. Home team loses again.

White shoes come into my field of vision, taking the lighter from my hands. Pink pants, pink shirt, brown hair, braided with a ribbon. I knew what she would say, and I knew the response. "I know."

She didn't seem surprised, just held out an envelope and two sheets of folded paper. "These were in the drawer. One's addressed to you, and the other…" Deciding it was bes to say nothing, maybe, she turned and left.

_Dear Axel._

_ If you're reading this, then I'm probably dead. It probably just happened, and you're sitting there wondering what the hell you'll do now. _

_ Maybe not. Maybe I give myself too much credit._

_ I'm writing this to tell you what to do, because knowing you, it could take weeks. _

_ I want you to stand up, walk out of the hospital, and get in your car. Go have an ice cream bar with the ten I put in the envelope. Think about me real hard during all this. Drive until you find somewhere you think you want to be. Then comes the hard part. Look at the pictures. Look until you think you'll break in half and go blind. _

_ Then put them away, somewhere you don't look very often._

_ This next bit is even harder._

_ Forget about me. Don't think about anything I used to do, or anything I said. There's a future for you, somewhere, and it won't come looking for you. At least, the future you want won't._

_ Stay in that place a few days. Think about other stuff. Learn to play the piano, or knit, or something. _

_ Come back home when you think you're ready. Park the car, go to your room, and sleep. Get up, go to class, talk to people. Make friends. Make plans. Remember to shower. Rinse. Repeat._

_ I know you'll do it. You'll do fine. I don't love quitters. And you know I love you. I'd say "always", but who knows what comes now._

_ I hope I see you again someday. Keep walking. Keep fighting._

_ Roxas_

_**finis**_

****


	11. Epilogue: Wherever You Will Go

**Wow, I got more reviews for that chapter than almost the whole story put together. That's amazing, and I feel all special inside. :) Anyway, I know this took forever, and that you are not interested in my excuses, but remember that break-up? …stuff happened…I think I'll never stop loving him.**

**So through all the hurt I decided to just stand up (well, technically sit down) and finish this story. Close out a chapter of my life, really. Thank you all so much, from the bottom of my heart, for reading and loving this story. I need all the love I can get right now.**

**I will repeat my previous request one more time. I hope you'll indulge me a little, and honor it.**

**A Special Request (The Final One, Actually.)**

_**If this story makes you cry, makes you angry, makes you say "WTF?", confuses you, or you hate its guts… I want to know.**_

_**What I'm asking is for every person who reads this chapter to review. This fic is a part of me, and I've shared it with you in the hopes that maybe you can know me through my writing.**_

_**Please, if you love this story, if you hate it, if you have an account or not, if you want to kill me, anything. Tell me everything. In the end, your reviews are what made writing this worth it, and they are what I will continue to work for.**_

_**Flames loved just as much as high praise, lengthy comments preferred either way.**_

_**If every person who reads this chapter reviews, imagine what a beautiful world it will be.**_

The day of Roxas's funeral, it didn't rain.

It was sunny as hell, bright, and the flowers were almost garish against the white of the casket. It wasn't pretty, and I didn't cry when a man in black read from the Bible about the valley of the shadow. I knew Roxas was past all that now, on to somewhere else.

So many people were there, nurses, Demyx and his new boyfriend, the social worker. Everyone he'd ever touched seemed to be there. That was the beautiful part, even though the occasion was the ugliest it could be. So many lives intertwined.

I stayed numb through all the ceremonies and standard procedures. I couldn't lose it in front of everyone. No one else knew how much he'd meant to me.

I stayed when the priest asked us to go in peace.

I stayed when men in coveralls began to shovel wet dirt over the shiny white wood.

I stayed when they left in their truck, and I stayed, and I stayed until the sun rose on the next morning. I told him all my secrets. I held on to the night-cold earth, pulling up handfuls and packing them back down.

No matter how many times I told myself, I couldn't reconcile with the fact that he wasn't in the hole with everything he left behind.

So I stayed until the stone was put in, until he didn't need me to mark his place.

Aerith Gainsborough-Fair and her husband came to the gravesite soon after. They noticed the many footprints, handprints, knee-prints left on the earth, and knew someone had been here already.

"Roxas," said Aerith. "I…I don't know if you can hear me, but if you can…we wanted to tell you something."

There was silence from the cool marble, not that she'd expected anything else. Zack was still at her side, holding her hand, a pillar of life in the suburb of the dead.

"Roxas…your social worker, she told us you had a friend at the home. Sora?"

No answer once more, but that was how it was meant to be.

"Well, we…I can't have children, Roxas. I wanted you to know, and ask if it was okay…we want to adopt him. A child your age, who needs a real home."

All was quiet except for the chirp of crickets early for fall. Zack squeezed her hand gently. Aerith found the strength to continue, though her eyes shone bright with almost-tears.

"I…I hope that makes you happy, wherever you are."

Then it proved to be too much. Aerith turned on her heel and almost fell into the new grass, crying harder than she'd ever remembered doing.

"Zack," she sobbed. "…are we doing the right thing?" She looked up through her fingers at him.

He put an arm around her. He was so terrible with words, but there had to be something right to say. What were his odds of saying it? "I think…he would be happy."

It wasn't enough, but it was getting there. That was what mattered.

Axel is in his car, his old black Demon, driving on the interstate in the only direction he can think to go: forward. He passes so many green signs, so many yellow lines, so many supposed rest stations at which he parks when he can't drive any longer. He fills up his tank repeatedly, uses his debit card with abandon, doesn't care that he's missing weeks of class.

Axel drives forward until he can't any more.

Not because it's not in him, but because he's reached a great crevasse in the earth. He almost drove right into it, and there would have been poeticism in that, but he stopped just in time. The numbness was wearing off. It had been for a while.

He had an envelope full of black-and-white prints in his hand, and a letter in the other. The red cliffs stretched out in front of him, deeper than anything he'd ever seen.

One by one, he lets the pictures go.

Then the envelope. He reads the "Kisaragi Pharmacy: One Hour-" inscription one more time before it flutters away on the wind. There's something been lost here, but Axel still can't comprehend that all of the light in his life has gone out.

He unfolds the letter in his pocket.

_Dear Axel,_

_ If you're reading this-_

It hurts too much to see. Hurts too much to cry or to think or to breathe any more. That was his handwriting. The last thing he touched. Axel teeters on the edge of the crimson gorge, and if anyone had looked up, they would have sworn there was a man about to fly. Minutes pass this way, and Axel considers his life and what is left in it.

_No,_ he thinks. This is not what Roxas wanted. This is not the reason he drove all this way. He drove here to get somewhere he wanted to be. That was his promise. The last promise.

The letter made its way over the edge. It sailed so far out that Axel thought it would never begin to fall. But it did, carried on the wind, to somewhere no one would understand.

Axel thinks, and he comes to the conclusion that if he leaves and takes the next exit, the ocean would rise up before him. It would be dark, but maybe that was the idea.

If you had looked up from the bottom of the gash in the earth, you would have seen the man smile slightly. You would have felt a few drops of foreign water on your face, and it would taste like salt.

You would have seen the man turn around, in all his greasy, unwashed glory, and return to his car.

You would have heard him drive away toward the Pacific.

Axel does not smile, but drives with a dogged determination, two hands on the wheel.

When the sunset glows too brightly, he folds down the shade and stares at the thing he doesn't even remember putting there. Weren't they all gone?

There he is, smiling out from the black-and-white photograph. _My Roxas_.

"The ones we love never truly leave us."

It might be true, Axel thinks.

He turns on the radio for the first time in a long time, and sings along.

"…_you and me will never make a mark on the shape of history, but I'm glad you came to make your mark on me."_

**And it's over…maybe now I can find it in my soul to heal.**

**I love each and every one of you.**

**Please do go and take my poll, as it relates to this.**

**Also, do you want the soundtrack to this posted? I am waiting on cover art…**

**Don't forget. Don't forget anything, or take any happiness as granted. We don't all have years, and all things must end.**

**I hope to see you soon.**

**Swiss**


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